Ten Characteristics – Healthy Relationship

We all desire to have a relationship that is filled with happiness, joy, and — most importantly — love.
Unfortunately, for many of us, we’ve been exposed to so many unhealthy relationships in our lives that

we don’t know what a truly healthy relationship even looks and feels like.

So here are 10 characteristics of a healthy relationship:

1. Both partners know that they are responsible for their own individual happiness.

Many people unfortunately fall into the bad habit of believing and expecting that our partner is meant to be our source of all happiness,

love and fulfillment in our lives.

However, in a truly vibrant and healthy relationship, neither partner expects the other to be the source of all their happiness in life.

Both people know and understand that they themselves are responsible for their own happiness and well-being.

They each know that they are there to support and help one another, but they both know that they are ultimately responsible for themselves.

2. Neither person is really trying to control or “fix” the other person.

If one person is more of a procrastinator while the other always gets their work done early, the other person isn’t going to try to “fix”

them by pushing them to get their work done early in a healthy relationship.

Both people respect one another differences.

One doesn’t try to force the other to change or be anything different then themselves.
The reality is that nobody wants to be changed or fixed —

especially if it’s unsolicited!

If the person really truly wants to change, then they will ask for help on their own terms and in their own way.

Change isn’t going to happen through nagging or force.

3. The relationship is balanced.

No one person has any more power over decisions made as a couple than the other.

Both people have an equal say and have equal control over decisions made and both equally respect each other as a different and unique human being.

Now, it may be that the decisions made are different for each person.

Such as, one person is more focused on interior decorations while the other is more focused on finances

because it better highlights each person’s strengths. But, aggregately, everything is 50-50.

4. Conflicts are dealt with head-on and then dropped.

In a healthy relationship, conflicts aren’t a deal breaker. Just because a conflict happens,

it doesn’t signal that it’s time to just check out and move on to something else.

Rather, the conflict is seen as an opportunity to learn and grow.

Both sides openly share their feelings and views honestly and with respect.

Conflict is accepted as a natural part of life and any frustrations are dealt with early rather than repressed and brought back up time and time again.

5. Feelings are shared honestly and openly.

Both people share their genuine feelings with one another freely.

Both partners respect and accept the other’s feelings.

Expressing one another’s true feelings aren’t repressed because both partners know that by not sharing

them and that by not accepting the other person’s feelings it will cause conflicts later on.

6. Each person makes time to take care of themselves.

Both people in the relationship understand and know that self-care is an absolutely vital component for a healthy relationship.

They know that if they don’t take care of themselves and do things for themselves that they will be stressed, drained, and exhausted.

They know that when they don’t take care of themselves, they have little love to give to their partner.

7. Both partners are willing to put the relationship before themselves.

In a healthy relationship, both partners are able and willing to consider their partner when making decisions.

They don’t just go off and plan a trip for themselves without discussing it with the other person.

They make room in their lives for the other person and are willing to work together as a unit.

8. Both people understand and accept that they’re not going to agree on everything.

In a healthy relationship, both partners know that it is perfectly okay to agree to disagree.

They know that just because one partner has one viewpoint, it doesn’t mean that the other has to completely agree.

They know that having differences in opinion and beliefs doesn’t have to be a deal breaker.

9. They both truly value the relationship.

Both partners are loyal to one another and willing to work through conflicts together.

They both truly believe in the relationship and are committing to the lessons and growth that come while being together

— despite the challenges that come up.

10. They want to be together simply for the sake of being together.

For some of us, we can find ourselves staying in a relationship because we want some kind of security.

That can be emotional, physical, financial, or whatever.

In a truly healthy relationship both people want to be together because they genuinely want to be together for the sake of living a life with the other person.

Security isn’t a primary motivation to be in the relationship,

as the motivation of genuine love runs so much deeper than the security that can be gained on a physical level.

Fifty Characteristics of Healthy Relationships

What you know and like about your partner should tell you a lot.

If you can say yes to most of these, it’s very likely you’re in a healthy relationship:

1. You can name your partner’s best friend and identify a positive quality that the person has.
2. You and your partner are playful with each other.
3. You think your partner has good ideas.
4. You’d like to become more like your partner, at least in some ways.
5. Even when you disagree, you can acknowledge your partner makes sensible points.
6. You think about each other when you’re not physically together.
7. You see your partner as trustworthy.
8. In relationship-relevant areas such as warmth and attractiveness, you view your partner a little bit more positively than they view themselves or than most other people view them.
9. You enjoy the ways your partner has changed and grown since you met.
10. Your partner is enthusiastic when something goes right for you.
11. When you reunite at the end of the day, you say something positive before you say something negative.
12. You reminisce about positive experiences you’ve had together in the past.
13. You can name one of your partner’s favorite books.
14. You know your partner’s aspirations in life.
15. You can recall something you did together that was new and challenging for both of you.
16. You kiss every day.
17. You’re comfortable telling your partner about things that make you feel vulnerable such as worries about getting laid off.
18. You have your own “love language” (pet names or special signs you give each other).
19. You know your partner’s most embarrassing moment from childhood.
20. You know your partner’s proudest moment from childhood.
21. You never, or very rarely, express contempt for your partner by rolling your eyes, swearing at them, or calling them crazy.
22. You can list some positive personality qualities your partner inherited from their parents.
23. If you have children together, you can list some positive personality qualities your partner has passed on to your children.
24. You enjoy supporting your partner’s exploration of personal goals and dreams, even when this involves you staying home.
25. You have a sense of security: You’re confident your partner wouldn’t be unfaithful, or do something to jeopardize your combined financial security.
26. When you argue, you still have a sense that your partner cares about your feelings and opinions.
27. Your partner lets you into their inner emotional world—they make their thoughts and feelings accessible to you.
28. You frequently express appreciation for each other.
29. You frequently express admiration for each other.
30. You feel a sense of being teammates with your partner.
31. You know your partner’s favorite song.
32. You have a sense that your individual strengths complement each other.
33. When you say goodbye in the morning, it’s mindful and affectionate.
34. If you’ve told your partner about trauma you’ve experienced, they’ve reacted kindly.
35. You don’t flat-out refuse to talk about topics that are important to your partner.
36. You respect your partner’s other relationships with family or friends, and view them as important.
37. You have fun together.
38. You see your partner’s flaws and weaknesses in specific rather than general ways. (For example, you get annoyed about them forgetting to pick up the towels, but you don’t generally see them as inconsiderate.)
39. You’re receptive to being influenced by your partner; you’ll try their suggestions.
40. You’re physically affectionate with each other.
41. You enjoy spending time together.
42. You feel a zing when you think about how you first met.
43. You can name your partner’s favorite relative.
44. You can name your partner’s most beloved childhood pet.
45. You can articulate what your partner sees as the recipe for happiness.
46. When you feel stressed or upset

, you turn toward your partner for comfort, rather than turning away from your partner and trying to deal with it yourself.
47. You have a sense that it’s easy to get your partner’s attention if you’ve got something important to say.
48. You like exploring your partner’s body.
49. You can name your partner’s favorite food.
50. If you could only take one person to a deserted island, you’d take your partner.

Dr Alice Boyes.

Fatal Attraction

Mixing oil and water

Psychologists often find that opposites attract in couples with personality disorders.

By now, Florida psychologist Florence Kaslow, PhD, has seen the pattern so often among some couples that it’s practically a clinical archetype: Both parties have personality disorders (PDs)–but on opposite ends of the spectrum.
The fastidious, stoic spouse with obsessive-compulsive PD clashes with the often messy, flamboyant spouse with histrionic PD. Or, likewise, the self-absorbed, self-important person with narcissistic PD spars with the needy, clingy partner with dependent PD.
It may seem like an oversimplification, but all too commonly one person with a PD attracts someone with a different one, Kaslow has found in her 30-plus years of practice. What might underlie that pattern?
“They seem to have a fatal attraction for each other in that their personality patterns are complementary and reciprocal–which is one reason why, if they get divorced, they are likely to be attracted over and over to someone similar to their former partner,” Kaslow says.
And although empirical research on the pattern is generally lacking–clinical trials on it are few and far between–support for Kaslow’s contention appears in a number of books and reports in the literature, such as a theory paper on narcissistic PD in couples by Paul Links, MD, that appeared in 2002 in the American Journal of Psychotherapy .

In it, Links maintains that a narcissist’s PD severity and willingness to change can make or break a couple’s attempts to fix problems.
Personality schisms, however, can complicate such attempts. Even if only one partner has a full-blown PD, the other partner often shows personality tendencies in the opposite direction, notes Los Angeles psychologist Marion Solomon, PhD, who wrote a chapter on treating borderline couples for a book Kaslow edited on couples treatment (see further reading). Most often, Kaslow and Solomon see attractions between people diagnosed with Cluster B (antisocial, borderline, histrionic and narcissistic) and Cluster C (avoidant, dependent and obsessive-compulsive) personality disorders.
Kaslow offers a theory on the attraction between Clusters B and C: “Someone in Cluster B or C will more likely seek a polar opposite they see as exhibiting qualities they lack and assume this will make them feel more complete or whole,” she explains. “So, for example, the histrionic is attracted to the OCD perfectionist because of the histrionic’s need to be stabilized, and the OCD person is fascinated by the histrionic’s devil-may-care attitude. But after a while they start to rub each other the wrong way.”

Fatal attraction

Problems derive from each partner’s unexpected reaction to the other, Kaslow says. She explains: “These people often literally see the other person as ‘their other half.’ But that half is one they have cut off in themselves, so they’re essentially attracted to the thing they’ve rejected or have a negative attitude toward.”
Exacerbating the situation is the fact that each partner stirs up some unconscious, unresolved developmental issue in the other, says Joan Lachkar, PhD, a Los Angeles practitioner who writes on partners who exhibit certain traits and characteristics of narcissistic and borderline PDs. For example, explains Lachkar, an instructor at the Southern California Psychoanalytic Institute, the borderline’s neediness chips at the narcissist’s armor against intimacy, and the narcissist’s rejection stokes the borderline’s abandonment anxiety, reaction to shame and tendency to feel shunned or abused.
Such partners are frequently developmentally arrested, forming a pattern that Lachkar calls “the dance” in a narcissistic/borderline relationship. The dysfunction in that dance–the narcissist’s emotional withdrawal and the borderline’s need for rejection and emotional upheaval–can stem largely from childhood attachment problems, a hallmark of personality disorders, Lachkar argues.
In adult relationships, Solomon adds, people with PDs may act out early abuse, neglect, violence and other forms of childhood attachment failure–although, as pointed out in the literature on PD underpinnings , it’s not clear how much these failures stem from parental abuse, already existing childhood pathology that elicits negative parental reactions or an interplay of both.
Causes aside, Solomon maintains that the ingrained PD mechanisms form early: “When a child is terrified at 0 to 18 months, the left brain–the rational language part of the brain–has not yet developed, so the right brain either puts up a shield or views the self as flawed,” Solomon says.

Treatment approaches

Combating those right-brain reactions by adding left-brain cognitive functions is key to treating couples battling PDs, Solomon says. However, practitioners lack research on how to effectively do that, says Links, author of the article on couples’ treatment prospects for people with narcissistic PDs. In that paper, Links drew on his own clinical experience to argue that, when the partnership involves a narcissist, its survival depends on that person’s ability to:
Curtail acting-out behaviors, such as using drugs or alcohol, overspending, acting in sexually compulsive ways or physically or verbally abusing a partner.

Reduce levels of defensiveness and show vulnerability.
In addition, says Links, the Arthur Sommer Rotenberg Chair in Suicide Studies at the University of Toronto, the couple needs to “re-balance” itself so that that the narcissist’s partner–likely a more masochistic, dependent type–still gratifies the narcissist’s need for admiration, but also can glean increased love, approval and support from the narcissist. By comparison, in a borderline re-balancing, the other partner needs to stop feeding the borderline’s impulsivity and emotional volatility, notes Links in other writings.
It’s challenging enough to achieve such re-balancing when one person is personality-disordered and the other is relatively healthy. But when both parties have PDs, treatment can only work if it pinpoints where the PDs interlock, then pries the disorders apart to fix the dysfunctional system, argues Governors State University psychologist Jon Carlson, PsyD, EdD, in the Family Journal: Counseling and Therapy for Couples and Families

Weighing the odds

But what are the chances of fixing that system and saving the couple?
The odds are best, say Kaslow and Lachkar, when three critical ingredients exist:
Both partners are willing to change themselves. Otherwise their problem behaviors will continue plaguing the current relationship or any future ones they attempt. Each person is committed to working on the relationship. “There has to be positive motivation, good sharing of values and beliefs, and a foundation strong enough to handle the personality differences,” Kaslow explains. The intervening professional is skilled both in personality disorders treatment and couples therapy. “The therapist needs to express empathy for each individual in the couple and at the same time must really bond with the couple and form a team,” says Lachkar.
As for whether to treat the couple separately, together or both, many experienced practitioners favor joint treatment, at least at first. Not only does it shed more light on the couple’s interaction, but it prevents “he said, she said,” or “she said, you said” situations, says Kaslow.
At this point, however, mental health professionals know considerably more about treating PDs in individuals than in couples, notes Links.
“We need to bring research on personality disorders and concepts of personality functioning together with research on couples therapy,” he says. “It’s not so much about inventing new couples therapy interventions as actually testing our hypotheses on appropriate couples therapy for people with personality disorders.”

Five Important Characteristics

Five Important Characteristics of Relationships

A good relationship helps us to meet our needs and give to others and makes us feel fulfilled.

It is based on the belief that both partners are equal, and that as a team, they can achieve their goals.

By understanding the characteristics, we are better equipped to build new, healthy relationships and strengthen the ones we have.

RESPECT

Respect is key in maintaining a healthy relationship with a spouse, coworker or friend.

Respect involves listening to the other person in a non-judgmental manner and valuing her for her opinion.

It’s also important to try to put yourself in her shoes and respect her right to her emotions.

SUPPORT AND TRUST

Both sides need to be willing to listen, but also must give what the other needs, whether that’s empathy, love, a pep talk or even a harsh truth.

This support builds trust; both parties are more willing to open themselves up to the relationship because they feel safe.

This trust helps you to value your partner as an individual, rather than as an extension of your own life.

HONESTY AND OPENNESS

Without trust, we cannot hope to have an honest and open relationship.

Misunderstanding is one of the basic relationship problems.

That’s why it’s essential that both sides are open to each other.

Both sides need to speak up, in a respectful manner, when something is wrong and admit fault when they know they are to blame.

Honesty builds bridges to open communication; dishonesty or miscommunication cause a rift that gets wider with every new thing left unsaid.

SHARED RESPONSIBILITY

If both partners support and trust each other, they can share responsibility when times inevitably get difficult.

When a problem occurs, both should want to find solutions, not rely on the the other person entirely or go in it alone.

This collective responsibility fosters a shared effectiveness in both working and personal relationships.

INTEGRITY AND COMPROMISE

Both partners should act in accordance with what they think and say.

They keep their promises and negotiate to seek mutually satisfying decisions.

Through open communication, both partners can trust that the other will do what they say and share the workload when needed.

These factors foster a strong and healthy relationship.

Opposites Attract

Do Opposites Attract Or Does Like Attract Like In Relationships?

Understanding The Science Of Love

In relationships, partners claim they want someone who is different but prefer someone with the same personality. So do opposites really attract, or do birds of a feather flock together? Photo courtesy of Shutterstock

When it comes to relationships, finding the ideal partner could be easy for some and difficult for others because it’s heavily dependent on the characteristics we value most in a mate. The answer to whether opposites attract, or like attracts like, has been an ongoing debate that has both passed and failed the test of time. People are often interested in whether couple similarity, or complementarity, is indicative of relationship outcomes — satisfaction and quality, for instance. It puts into question if birds of a feather who flock together are better off than partners comparable to oil and vinegar.

Opposites Attract vs. Like Attracts Like

“Likes” may attract better than “opposites” when it comes to settling down and finding a mate, since people subconsciously seek out mates who have similar traits as themselves. Although there are successful pairings of opposites, such as TV couples Ted and Robin from How I Met Your Mother, or Jay and Gloria from Modern Family, it is not unusual for couples to have a tall and short, or loud and soft-spoken dyad, but this starts with a match. Initially, we like those who like us in return, says Psychology Today, which suggests we prefer consistency in our desires, thoughts, and attitudes. We are drawn to those who are similar to us because it affirms our own characteristics are normal, or desirable.

Stacy Lynn Harp, a clinically trained marriage and family therapist in Tennessee, believes most of us attract people we have things in common with. “Likeness attracts likeness. It’s actually a myth that opposites attract,” Harp told Medical Daily in an email. “Those who are seeking people who are similar understand that long term compatibility is more likely with someone who is like themselves.”

A 2008 study published in the journal Evolutionary Psychology found individuals desired a partner who resembled them in terms of personality, and also desired a complementary partner instead of a similar one when it came to general preferences. People may be attracted to those who have similar attitudes, values, and beliefs, and may even marry them based on this similarity since attitudes are highly visible and fundamental to the way people live their lives. Personality-related characteristics, however, take much longer to unfold and may not play a substantial role until later in the relationship.

The Formula for a Happy and Healthy Couple = Shared Values & Beliefs

“The best formula for a happy and healthy couple is: you both share common values and ethics, you share a common core–not details-of issues from your family of origin such as you were both mistreated or you both were the least or most favorite – and you have different, complementary styles and personalities in approaching life and solving problems,” Dr. LeslieBeth Wish, psychologist and licensed clinical social worker in Florida told Medical Daily in an email. It is when couples find those commonalities, especially if they are not apparent on the surface, is when they feel they’ve found a potential life-long partner. We tend to seek out people who think and act like us, or some of us may even be seeking our own mirror image, which has been found to contribute to relationship satisfaction.

Newlywed couples are found to have happier and satisfying marriages when they have more in common personality-wise, as opposed to attitude-wise. A 2005 study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology investigated attitude similarity — having the same religion, or personal belief system — and personality similarity — qualities like anxiety, agreeableness, extraversion, and conscientiousness — between newlywed couples to determine what makes two individuals choose to be with each other rather than with one of many other potential partners. The study supports the belief that like-minded people validate each other’s beliefs and views, and therefore, this results in fewer conflicts.

How to Find a Compatible Partner

Now that we know people seek partners with their same qualities, despite the claim they want someone who is different, we ask: How do we know if we’re compatible with our prospective partners? April Masini, relationship expert at AskApril.com, believes the trick to finding compatible partners is to first and foremost, know yourself. “The biggest problem I see in relationship queries that are sent to me for expert advice, are from people who’ve gotten invested in relationships without knowing what they want in a relationship — or even if they want one at all,” Masini told Medical Daily in an email. Sometimes these people get involved with people who aren’t compatible, and rather than accept the fact, they try to desperately change the other person, which ends up going nowhere. Masini also believes that although chemistry is great, it’s not enough to make a relationship go the distance. Rather, values, similar goals, and similar lifestyles are much more valuable when seeking a long-term relationship.

In short, we like a balance of similarities and differences, but overall we’re drawn to those who possess the qualities of what we would want our ideal selves to be. We may express interest in someone who has a different job or interest than us, but this could be because they are interests we would desire ourselves to attain. Sharing values regarding money, children, education, and lifestyle, along with the desire to love, can lead to a fulfilling and lasting relatioship.

Other Half

Find Your “Other Half”

Believe it or not, you are not half-a-person walking around and looking for your other half.

You are not a starving monkey in need of a banana.

You are not a car without gas. And unlike Jerry Maguire, you do not need another person in order to be complete.

Thinking that you need someone else to complete you is not only untrue, it’s dangerous– it implies that you are somehow inherently incomplete.

And this, my friend, could not be farther from the truth.

As cheesy as it sounds, owning your wholeness can and will change your life. Here’s how.

1. When you are whole, you have more to give

Let’s face it: when you’re only half-a-person, you don’t have a whole lot to give—after all, half of you is missing. Ask yourself this: can you ever give someone love or respect or anything at all from an empty basket? Or can you only give it from a basket that is full? (I know, who the heck carries baskets these days… but you get the idea.) When you’re only half-a-person, you’re needy and you’re taking from another in order to feel complete. But when you’re whole, you have a basketful of awesomeness to give. This leads me into my next point…

2. When you’re whole, you attract other people who are whole

Half-people like to whine to their friends about how every girl or guy they date is sucky. They want to find someone who has the whole package, but they keep falling short. They don’t understand why they can’t find that person.
Newsflash: the sort of person you’re looking for, the one with the “whole package,” isn’t looking for half-a-person who has little to give. Would you buy half of a candy bar for the full price? How about half of a movie— would you pay to watch that?
Of course not. So why would you imagine that there is someone out there looking for half-of-a-person— no matter how great the whole person may be?

3. When you’re whole, you respect yourself

Half-people allow others to trample on them far too often. They need another’s love or affection so badly that they let people treat them in ways that their whole-person never would have agreed to. Whole people, on the other hand, are not so afraid of losing someone that they disrespect themselves. Whole people are able to draw firm boundary lines because they aren’t coming from a place of need. They aren’t looking for a sense of completeness; they already have one.

Can I tell you a secret? For most of my life, I was half-a-person. In fact, sometimes I still am… especially when I’m feeling really alone or vulnerable or hurt. I’ve come to realize, though, that I’ve been looking at things all wrong– the purpose of relationship isn’t to seek completion from another, but to appreciate that wholeness that each of you already has.

The purpose of a relationship is not to have another who might complete you, but to have another with whom you might share your completeness.

-Neal Donald Walsch

“You complete me,” cried Tom Cruise in 1996’s Jerry Maguire. I’d venture to say that this the greatest American lie that’s ever been told. No one can complete you, ever. No one can fill you up or give you what you need or provide you with the “missing piece.” No one can do this for you, not ever, because you, my friend, are already whole.

Personality and Relationships

Personality and Relationships

Most of us are allured by the attractive notion that effortless relationships exist. Whether it be happily-ever-after marriages, or friendships that last forever, or parent/child bonds which supercede the need to understand each other, we’d all like to believe that our most intimate relationships are unconditional, and strong enough to withstand whatever may come. However, at some point in our lives most of us need to face the fact that relationships require effort to keep them strong and positive, and that even wonderful, strong relationships can be destroyed by neglect.

Whether you’re looking to improve a love relationship, familial relationships, friendships, or employer/employee relationships, understanding your own personality type and the personality type of the other person involved in the relationship will bring a new dynamic to the situation, which will allow better understanding and communication. Although the different types of relationships have very different characteristics and specific needs, there are two basic areas which seem to be critical in all relationships: Expectations and Communication. What do we expect from ourselves and the other person involved in the relationship? How do we communicate these expectations, and our feelings and opinions to the person in the relationship? How does our personality type affect our expectations and methods of communication? Does our personality type affect who we are romantically attracted to? How does it affect who our friends are, and who we work with best? These are the questions which we address in this section of The Personality Page.

Please note that we are not prescribing an absolute solution to your relationship problems, nor are we stating that there’s any guarantee of improved odds with particular type pairings. Statistics show that individuals who are most happy within their marriages are those who have the highest levels of inner peace and those who have the most optimistic outlook on life in general. We do not address people’s emotional standing here when discussing relationship issues, which is another important aspect of relationship dynamics.

Opposites Attract

That old concept and expression “opposites attract” has been batted around for centuries. And in fact, it’s very true when it comes to love relationships. Through our research, we have noted that people are usually attracted to their opposite on the Extraversion/Introversion and Judging/Perceiving scales. We are naturally attracted to individuals who are different from ourselves – and therefore somewhat exciting. But it’s not just the exciting differences which attract us to our opposites, it is also a natural quest for completion. We naturally are drawn towards individuals who have strengths which we are missing. When two opposites function as a couple, they become a more well-rounded, functioning unit. There is also the theory that our natural attraction to our opposites is a subconscious way of forcing us to deal with the weaker aspects of our own nature. While we are highly attracted to our opposites, two opposites involved in an intimate relationship have significant issues and communication barriers to overcome. So in a sense, our attraction to the opposite personality can be seen as our subconscious minds driving us towards becoming a more complete individual, by causing us to face the areas in life which are most difficult to us.

The same cannot be said for other kinds of relationships. When it comes to work colleagues, or friends, we are not especially interested in dealing with people who are very unlike ourselves. We are most comfortable with those who have similar interests and perspectives, and we do not show a lot of motivation or patience for dealing with our opposites.

Birds of a Feather Flock Together

Although we are attracted to people who are very different from us in the way we deal with the world, we are most attracted to others who have a similar focus in their lives. Couples who have the same dominant function in their personalities seems to have the longest and happiest relationships. So, for example, an individual whose dominant function is Introverted Sensing (ISTJ or ISFJ) seems to be naturally drawn towards partners with a dominant function of Extraverted Sensing (ESTP or ESFP).

We have also noticed that Sensors seem to communicate best with other Sensors, and that Intuitives seem to communicate best with other Intuitives. There seems to be a more equal partnership formed with people who communicate on the same level, although there are many successful relationships between Sensors and Intuitives. Two individuals of any type who are well-developed and balanced can communicate effectively and make a relationship work, but many people will communicate best with people who share their same information gathering preference.

With that in mind, it shouldn’t come as any surprise to learn that research regarding Personality Type and Relationships shows a definite pattern which indicates that successful mates often share the same dominant function, and the same letter preference (“S” or “N”) for their information gathering function. Of course, that does not mean that people with different preferences cannot have a happy, successful marriage, it simply indicates that people frequently settle down with individuals who are on their same “wave-length”.

Personality typing is a tool with many uses. It’s especially notable for it’s helpfulness in the areas of growth and self-development. Learning and applying the theories of personality type can be a powerful and rewarding experience, if it is used as a tool for discovery, rather than as a method for putting people into boxes, or as an excuse for behavior.

The sixteen personality types which we use in our assessment are based on the well-known research of Carl Jung, Katharine C. Briggs, and Isabel Briggs Myers. Carl Jung first developed the theory that individuals each had a psychological type. He believed that there were two basic kinds of “functions” which humans used in their lives: how we take in information (how we “perceive” things), and how we make decisions. He believed that within these two categories, there were two opposite ways of functioning. We can perceive information via 1) our senses, or 2) our intuition. We can make decisions based on 1) objective logic, or 2) subjective feelings. Jung believed that we all use these four functions in our lives, but that each individual uses the different functions with a varying amount of success and frequency. He believed that we could identify an order of preference for these functions within individuals. The function which someone uses most frequently is their “dominant” function. The dominant function is supported by an auxiliary (2nd) function, tertiary (3rd) function, and inferior (4th) function. He asserted that individuals either “extraverted” or “introverted” their dominant function. He felt that the dominant function was so important, that it overshadowed all of the other functions in terms of defining personality type. Therefore, Jung defined eight personality types:

Extraverted Sensing (modern types: ESFP, ESTP)
Introverted Sensing (modern types: ISTJ, ISFJ)
Extraverted Intuition (modern types: ENFP, ENTP)
Introverted Intuition (modern types: INFJ, INTJ)
Extraverted Thinking (modern types: ESTJ, ENTJ)
Introverted Thinking (modern types: ISTP, INTP)
Extraverted Feeling (modern types: ESFJ, ENFJ)
Introverted Feeling (modern types: INFP, ISFP)

Katharine Briggs expounded upon Jung’s work, quietly working in silence and developing his theories further. But it was Katharine’s daughter Isabel who was really responsible for making the work on Personality Types visible. Isabel, using her mother’s work and Jung’s work, asserted the importance of the auxiliary function working with the dominant function in defining Personality Type. While incorporating the auxiliary function into the picture, it became apparent that there was another distinctive preference which hadn’t been defined by Jung: Judging and Perceiving. The developed theory today is that every individual has a primary mode of operation within four categories:

our flow of energy
how we take in information
how we prefer to make decisions
the basic day-to-day lifestyle that we prefer
Within each of of these categories, we “prefer” to be either:

Extraverted or Introverted
Sensing or iNtuitive
Thinking or Feeling
Judging or Perceiving

We all naturally use one mode of operation within each category more easily and more frequently than we use the other mode of operation. So, we are said to “prefer” one function over the other. The combination of our four “preferences” defines our personality type. Although everybody functions across the entire spectrum of the preferences, each individual has a natural preference which leans in one direction or the other within the four categories.

Our Flow of Energy defines how we receive the essential part of our stimulation. Do we receive it from within ourselves (Introverted) or from external sources (Extraverted)? Is our dominant function focused externally or internally?

The topic of how we Take in Information deals with our preferred method of taking in and absorbing information. Do we trust our five senses (Sensing) to take in information, or do we rely on our instincts (iNtuitive)?

The third type of preference, how we prefer to Make Decisions, refers to whether we are prone to decide things based on logic and objective consideration (Thinking), or based on our personal, subjective value systems (Feeling).

These first three preferences were the basis of Jung’s theory of Personalty Types. Isabel Briggs Myers developed the theory of the fourth preference, which is concerned with how we deal with the external world on a Day-to-day Basis. Are we organized and purposeful, and more comfortable with scheduled, structured environments (Judging), or are we flexible and diverse, and more comfortable with open, casual environments (Perceiving)? From a theoretical perspective, we know that if our highest Extraverted function is a Decision Making function, we prefer Judging. If our highest Extraverted function is an Information Gathering function, we prefer Perceiving.

Personality Types Today

The theory of Personality Types, as it stand today, contends that:

An individual is either primarily Extraverted or Introverted

An individual is either primarily Sensing or iNtuitive

An individual is either primarily Thinking or Feeling

An individual is either primarily Judging or Perceiving

The possible combinations of the basic preferences form 16 different Personality Types. This does not mean that all (or even most) individuals will fall strictly into one category or another. If we learn by applying this tool that we are primarily Extraverted, that does not mean that we don’t also perform Introverted activities. We function in each of these realms on a daily basis, but we gravitate towards our primary functions, where our natural strengths lie, and use these primary functions more often than the less-preferred functions. As we grow and learn, most of us develop the ability to function well in realms which are not native to our basic personalities. In the trials and tribulations of life, we develop some areas of ourselves more throughly than other areas. With this in mind, it becomes clear that we cannot box individuals into prescribed formulas for behavior. However, we can identify our natural preferences, and learn about our natural strengths and weaknesses within that context.

The theory of Personality Types contends that each of us has a natural preference which falls into one category or the other in each of these four areas, and that our native Personality Type indicates how we are likely to deal with different situations that life presents, and in which environments we are most comfortable.

Learning about our Personality Type helps us to understand why certain areas in life come easily to us, and others are more of a struggle. Learning about other people’s Personality Types help us to understand the most effective way to communicate with them, and how they function best.

Practical Application for Personality Types

Career Guidance What types of tasks are we most suited to perform? Where are we naturally most happy?

Managing Employees How can we best understand an employee’s natural capabilities, and where they will find the most satisfaction?

Interpersonal Relationships How can we improve our awareness of another individual’s Personality Type, and therefore increase our understanding of their reactions to situations, and know how to communicate with them effectively, on a level the they best understand?

Education How can we develop different teaching methods to effectively educate different types of people?

Counseling How we can help individuals understand themselves better, and become better able to deal with their strengths and weaknesses?

Relationships and the Sixteen Types

To learn more about Personality and Relationships with regards to a specific personality type, click on the name of the type you’d like to read about.

ISTJ – The Duty Fulfillers
ESTJ – The Guardians
ISFJ – The Nurturers
ESFJ – The Caregivers
ISTP – The Mechanics
ESTP – The Doers
ESFP – The Performers
ISFP – The Artists
ENTJ – The Executives
INTJ – The Scientists
ENTP – The Visionaries
INTP – The Thinkers
ENFJ – The Givers
INFJ – The Protectors
ENFP – The Inspirers
INFP – The Idealists

ISTJ

ISTJ Relationships

The ISTJ’s word is as good as gold, and they honor their commitments faithfully. They believe that to do otherwise would be nothing less than a breach of honor and trustworthiness. Consequently, they take their vows very seriously, and once they have said “I do”, that means they are bound to the relationship until “death do us apart” or otherwise. ISTJs are driven to fulfill their responsibilities and duties, and will do so with tireless effort. They will do their best to meet the obligations presented by the different relationship roles which they play during their lives, i.e. spouse, parent, offspring, etc. They may have difficulty showing warmth, but they frequently feel it in abundance, and most develop the ability to show it through sheer effort. If nothing else, the ISTJ holds the gold medal of all the personality types for Effort. They will put forth tremendous amounts of effort to accomplish goals which are important to them. If healthy relationships are among these goals, you can bet that the ISTJ will do everything that they can to foster and maintain healthy relationships.

ISTJ Strengths

Honor their commitments
Take their relationship roles very seriously
Usually able to communicate what’s on their minds with precision
Good listeners
Extremely good (albeit conservative) with money
Able to take constructive criticism well
Able to tolerate conflict situations without emotional upheaval
Able to dole out punishment or criticism when called for
ISTJ Weaknesses

Tendency to believe that they’re always right
Tendency to get involved in “win-lose” conversations
Not naturally in-tune with what others are feeling
Their value for structure may seem rigid to others
Not likely to give enough praise or affirmation to their loved ones
ISTJs as Lovers

“To love means to open ourselves to the negative as well as the positive – to grief, sorrow, and disappointment as well as to joy, fulfillment, and an intensity of consciousness we did not know was possible before.” — Rollo May
ISTJs are committed, loyal partners, who will put forth tremendous amounts of effort into making their relationships work. Once they have made a commitment to a relationship, they will stick with it until the end. They gladly accept their duty towards fulfilling their role in the relationship. ISTJs are generally willing and able to do anything which they have defined as a goal. So, if maintaining a good relationship is important to the ISTJ, they are likely to have a good relationship. If they have not added this goal to their internal “list” of duties, they are likely to approach the relationship in their “natural” state, which is extremely practical, traditional, and structured.

Sexually, the ISTJ is likely to approach intimacy from a physical perspective, rather than as a means of expressing love and affection. They usually have a problem expressing their deepest feelings, even though they may be very strongly felt. They will expect sex on a relatively scheduled basis, and are likely to honor traditions regarding gender role-playing. Male ISTJs will assert their perspective on their partners, while female ISTJs will tend to follow along with what their male counterparts want (although they will be uncomfortable with anything extremely out of the traditional norm).

ISTJs do not feel threatened by constructive criticism or conflict situations. When faced with criticism, the ISTJ is likely to believe that their point of view is correct. They have a tremendous amount of respect for Facts, and base their opinions on known facts and logic. Consequently, they have a hard time seeing the viability of viewpoints which don’t match their own. When the ISTJ gets involved in a disagreement over a point, they usually begin to attempt to recruit the other person over to their own point of view, fully believing that they are right, and that the other individual simply needs to understand the facts of the situation. In such situations, the ISTJ may or may not be right, but their confidence in their own “rightness” can shake the confidence of others involved. This habit can quickly turn conversations into “win-lose” situations, and can present a special problem in intimate relationships. While they may inadvertantly shake the confidence of their colleagues with their “I’m right” approach, the same behavior may cause serious issues within their intimate relationships. The ISTJ’s constant assertion of “rightness” may send a message to their mates that they do not value their opinions. If the ISTJ has a mate with a strong Feeling preference, they may inadvertantly wreak havoc with their self-esteem, since Feeling individuals are extremely sensitive to conflict and criticism, and are especially vulnerable in their intimate relationships.

Since ISTJs make decisions using the Thinking function (rather than Feeling), they are not naturally likely to consider their mates feelings and emotions in daily living. This may be a problem if their mates have the Feeling preference, since Feeling individuals usually expect a lot of positive affirmation, which the ISTJ does not naturally communicate to them. The ISTJ needs to remember that others may need to hear that they are loved and valued, even if the ISTJ doesn’t need to hear this themself.

ISTJs are generally very capable and efficient at most things which they endeavor. Consequently, their mates are likely to hold a good amount of respect for them. Daily concerns are likely to be well-provided for by the ISTJ. If other concerns, such as emotional needs, are pointed out to the ISTJ as important issues for their mates, the ISTJ will rise to the occasion and add the task of addressing these needs to the internal “list” of duties. Since the ISTJ is so willing to work hard at issues, and so tireless at performing tasks which they feel should be done, the ISTJ generally makes a wonderful, caring mate who is willing and able to promote a healthy, lasting relationship which is also a partnership.

Although two well-developed individuals of any type can enjoy a healthy relationship, the ISTJ’s natural partner is the ESFP, or the ESTP. ISTJ’s dominant function of Introverted Sensing is best matched with a partner whose personality is dominated by Extraverted Sensing. How did we arrive at this?

ISTJs as Parents

“You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth…
Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.” — Kahlil Gibran
ISTJs are faithful and devoted parents who can be counted on to put forth their very best efforts towards raising their children in positive, comfortable, secure homes, and to promote their growth in such a way that they will become secure adults who know their place in life within our society. Such is the greatest goal of an ISTJ parent toward their child.

Along the path towards this goal, the ISTJ expects that their children honor their traditional familial roles. As parents, they demand respect and authority from their children. They willingly accept their parental role of provider and guardian. Once the ISTJ becomes a parent, it becomes a “given” that they will perform all of the duties associated with parenthood, and they will do so without grudge or burden. However, they expect that their children give them their due respect in return, and will have little patience with disrespectful behavior.

When it comes to giving punishment or discipline, the ISTJ will be able to do so when necessary without too much internal trauma. They see it as their duty to teach their children when they’ve done wrong, and so will administer the punishment in the name of the greater cause of doing their duty towards their children. Not to imply that the ISTJ will enjoy disciplining their children, they simply will put their duties before their personal feelings.

The ISTJ is likely to have a problem giving a lot of positive affirmation and support to their children. Having very high expectations for their own behavior and the behavior of others, the ISTJ often forgets to give praise when praise is due. All children need positive support as they find their place in the world, and this is especially true for children with the Feeling preference, who benefit tremendously from positive affirmation, and suffer (sometimes tremendously) in its void. The ISTJ who recognizes sensitivity in their child should take special care to give them positive support and affirmation.

The ISTJ will create a consistent, secure environment for their children, with definite roles and boundaries. Although this may at times create division between the parent and child (especially during rebellious adolescence), it will generally promote the child’s growth into a secure adult. ISTJ parents will be remembered and honored by their children for being good people who always tried their best, and for putting the needs of their children above their own.

ISTJs as Friends

Although friendships do not rank highest in the ISTJ’s list of important relationships (whose duties and obligation to the Family rank above all else), they do have value these relationships and put effort into enhancing and maintaining them. The ISTJ is likely to choose to be around people who have similar interests and perspectives to their own, and are likely to not have much patience with people who are very different from themselves.

Although their usual mode of being is very serious-minded, ISTJs like to have fun and let loose. They like being with Extraverts who are optimistic and fun-minded, although the E’s enthusiasm may eventually get on the ISTJ’s nerves. ISTJs can get along with most other types, but they especially form solid connections with other Sensing Judgers. The ISTJ’s respect for laws and traditions may make them unable to relate well to Sensing Perceiving types, although they admire their carefree ability to live for the moment. And conversely, the Sensing Perceiving types may see the ISTJ’s need for structure as too conservative or scheduled for their tastes. ISTJs seem to get along well with Intuitives, although they cannot really relate to some of the Intuitives perspectives.

ESTJ

ESTJ Relationships

ESTJs are very enthusiastic people who are driven to fulfill their obligations and duties, especially those towards their families. Their priorities generally put God first, family second, and friends third. They put forth a tremendous amount of effort to meet their obligations and duties, according to their priorities. They are dedicated and committed to their relationships, which they consider to be lifelong and unalterable. They like to be in charge, and may be very controlling of their mates and children. They have high esteem for traditions and institutions, and expect that their mates and children will support these as well. They have little patience and need for dealing with people who see things very differently from the ESTJ.

ESTJ Strengths

Generally enthusiastic, upbeat and friendly
Stable and dependable, they can be counted on to promote security for their families
Put forth a lot of effort to fulfill their duties and obligations
Responsible about taking care of day-to-day practical concerns around the house
Usually good (albeit conservative) with money
Not personally threatened by conflict or criticism
Interested in resolving conflict, rather than ignoring it
Take their commitments very seriously, and seek lifelong relationships
Able to move on after a relationship breaks up
Able to administer discipline when necessary
ESTJ Weaknesses

Tendency to believe that they are always right
Tendency to need to always be in charge
Impatient with inefficiency and sloppiness
Not naturally in tune with what others are feeling
Not naturally good at expressing their feelings and emotions
May inadvertantly hurt others with insensitive language
Tendency to be materialistic and status-conscious
Generally uncomfortable with change, and moving into new territories
ESTJs as Lovers

“To love means to open ourselves to the negative as well as the positive – to grief, sorrow, and disappointment as well as to joy, fulfillment, and an intensity of consciousness we did not know was possible before.” — Rollo May

When an ESTJ says “I do”, you can bet that they will put forth a tremendous amount of effort and energy into fulfilling their commitment to the relationship. They seek stability and security in their lives, and once they have made a commitment, it is lifelong and unalterable. They bring with them into the relationship a strong and dependable nature, which is oriented in traditions and security. They are highly energetic people, who never seem to lose their energy when performing duties and fulfilling obligations.

ESTJs usually feel very strongly that they are right and that if everyone else would listen carefully to what the ESTJ has to say, then they would understand the way things really are, and the world would be a better place. Such a strong, confident self-image is an asset in many ways, but can also be a detriment in close interpersonal relationships, if the ESTJ’s mate does not feel valued for their contributions as an individual. This is a potential pitfall for ESTJs, who should try to be aware of the fact that other people have things to offer, even if they do not exactly follow the ESTJ’s way of thinking. If it’s not possible to do this on a larger scale, the ESTJ should perhaps focus on this area with respect to their partner’s contributions.

Sexually, the ESTJ is likely to be robust, enthusiastic, and athletic. They will tend to be traditional, and to expect sexual encounters on a relatively scheduled basis. They’re likely to approach intimacy as a physical experience of closeness, rather than as an opportunity to express and receive expressions of love and affection. The ESTJ will probably have to work on remembering to express their feelings verbally, but their mate’s appreciation will make it well worth it for those who do.

In many ways, ESTJs are Guardians and Protectors by nature. They enjoy shielding and protecting their families, and are usually quite good at it. Their partners will appreciate and enjoy the benefits of the ESTJ’s efforts in this respect, but they may also resent the more controlling aspects of the ESTJ’s personality, which goes along with their strong desire to shield their loved-ones. The ESTJ may consider it their duty to instruct their spouses how to behave or what attitude to take in certain situations, which may not be appreciated.

Conversely, the ESTJ freely gives approval and affirmation when they are happy or impressed with their mate’s behavior. Whether positive or negative, the ESTJ’s expression can be taken at face value, because these individuals are very honest and forthright about how the feel.

ESTJs enjoy spending time with others socializing, and are likely to strongly desire that their partners also take part in these social activities. They are especially interested in any event which is associated with the family, work, or any organization which the ESTJ is part of. Since they are social creatures, they’re likely to bring an emphasis on socializing to the relationship – but only after all of their work is done.

ESTJs are not naturally in tune with what others are feeling, and they may even tend to be very unobservant in these respects. This can cause problems with mates who have a Feeling preference, who may feel hurt or neglected by the ESTJ. If these feelings are pointed out to the ESTJ as an important dynamic of the relationship, rather than harbored internally by the Feeler, the ESTJ is likely to attempt to be more aware of their mate’s feelings and emotions.

The ESTJ gladly performs their duties in life, and wants to be appreciated for doing so. This is the greatest gift that their mates can give them – gratitude.

Although two well-developed individuals of any type can enjoy a healthy relationship, ESTJ’s natural partner is the ISTP, or the INTP. ESTJ’s dominant function of Extraverted Thinking is best matched with someone whose dominant function is Introverted Thinking. The ESTJ/ISTP combination is deal because it also shared the Sensing way of perceiving the world, but the ESTJ/INTP combination is also quite good. How did we arrive at this?

ESTJs as Parents

“You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth…
Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.” — Kahlil Gibran

ESTJs take their parenting responsibilities seriously, and enjoy the roles and duties which they are consequently presented with. The ESTJ sees parenthood as a natural state, and welcomes the opportunity to fulfill their basic obligation to pass on their genes, and to raise children to be responsible, independent adults.

ESTJs usually expect that parents should be parents, and children should be children. There is likely to be that parent-child barrier between the ESTJ and their kids, and they are likely to expect that their children will treat them with respect and honor. They will have no patience for extreme deviation from this basic rule.

ESTJs also do not have much tolerance for inefficiency or messiness. They dislike to see mistakes repeated. Consequently, ESTJ parents may have a difficult time with their children who have Intuitive or Perceiving preferences. They are extremely practical, and have no understanding or value for the creative imaginations of highly Intuitive children. They will also have little patience with the unstructured, “go with the flow” attitude of their Perceiving children. This impatience with other types is a potential downfall for the ESTJ which may manifest itself in an ugly way if the rift occurs with their own children. The ESTJ should remember that what is right for them is not necessarily right for their children.

Whatever difficulties an ESTJ may experience with their child, they will always accept that child back as their own. They are strongly driven to fulfill their duties, and see parenting as one of these “must do” obligations.

Children of the ESTJ will usually remember them as dependable, reliable, strict, traditional, and always willing to sacrifice themself for the sake of their children.

ESTJs as Friends

Although ESTJs typically put their family above their friends, they do enjoy and value their friendships. They enjoy having fun and spending time with others, especially those who share their interests and pursuits. They are likely to choose to spend free time with friends pursuing some activity or hobby – probably athletic or sports-oriented. They’re likely to socialize quite a bit with their own family members, and with people who belong to the same organization or institution as the ESTJ.

ESTJs are usually status-conscious, and will respect others who they feel have acheived a high degree of success in our society. Although ESTJs have very high standards for behavior, and believe that they know what is appropriate and best in any given situation, they’re likely to be less controlling with those who they feel are powerful individuals.

ESTJs will have little patience with people who seem frivolous or extremely untraditional. Conversely, those who live entirely in the current moment (Sensing Perceivers) may not appreciate the ESTJ’s strong judgments, which may seem overly traditional to them. ESTJs are likely to bond best with other ESTJ, or with people of any type, if they share a common interest or goal.

ESTJs tend to be enthusiastic, sharp, and witty. They like to hear good jokes, and enjoy telling them as well. They’re valued by their friends for being dependable and upbeat, and easily engaged in various pursuits.

The ESTJ is generally very opinionated, and likes to appear authoritative and in charge. They may temper this tendency when around other ESTJs whom they value. Around other types, this tendency may cause them to be abrupt and direct, to the point where they inadvertantly step on people’s toes.

ISFJ
ISFJ Relationships

ISFJs place a great deal of importance on their personal relationships. They’re generally very giving and loving people, who place the needs of others above their own. They sometimes have a problem with becoming overly emotionally needy, and with keeping their true feelings hidden from others. They take their commitments very seriously, and seek lifelong relationships. ISFJs are extremely dependable, and put forth a lot of energy into keeping things running smoothly. They sometimes have difficulty saying “no” when asked to do something, and therefore may be taken for granted.

ISFJ Strengths

Warm, friendly and affirming by nature
Service-oriented, wanting to please others
Good listeners
Will put forth lots of effort to fulfill their duties and obligations
Excellent organizational capabilities
Good at taking care of practical matters and daily needs
Usually good (albeit conservative) at handling money
Take their commitments seriously, and seek lifelong relationships
ISFJ Weaknesses

Don’t pay enough attention to their own needs
May have difficulty branching out into new territory
Extreme dislike of conflict and criticism
Unlikely to express their needs, which may cause pent-up frustrations to build inside
Have difficulty leaving a bad relationship
Have difficulty moving on after the end of a relationship
ISFJs as Lovers

“To love means to open ourselves to the negative as well as the positive – to grief, sorrow, and disappointment as well as to joy, fulfillment, and an intensity of consciousness we did not know was possible before.” — Rollo May
ISFJs are committed to their relationships. They have very intense feelings, which is not immediately apparent to others because they tend to hold things inside themselves without expressing them, unless they have a strong reason to do so. Their intensity of feeling makes their intimate relationship their first priority in life, with the possible exception of God. They seek monogamous, lifelong commitments, and can be depended upon to be faithful and loyal to their mates once they have made a commitment.

ISFJs have a difficult time leaving a relationship which is bad, or accepting that a relationship is over. They tend to put all of the blame on their own shoulders, and wonder what they should have done to make things work out. If they have been loyal to their vows and have done their duties, they will be at a complete loss as to what went wrong, and will have great difficulty accepting the end. They are “true blue” lovers, and may even remain faithful to their deceased partners.

ISFJs tend to be very selfless, and to put the needs of others well before their own needs. This may backfire on them, if they get into a situation in which they are taken advantage of, and do not have a good outlet for their strong emotions. In this kind of situation, the ISFJ might bottle up their feelings inside them, and form strong resentments against others. The ISFJ should work on recognizing their own needs, and place some importance on meeting them, rather than always putting the needs of others first. After all, if you can’t take care of yourself, how can take care of someone else?

Sexually, the ISFJ sees intimacy as a tangible way of strengthening their relationship bonds. They also see as something of a duty, and are likely to be more interested in serving their partner than in their own personal satisfaction. Although the ISFJ is not likely to be very wordy about expressing their love and affection, they’re likely to do so through their deeds, and will deeply value their partner’s responding affirmations.

The ISFJ is very warm and selfless. They’ll put forth tremendous amounts of energy and time into doing what they feel is ther duty. What makes them feel best about themselves is when others show them their appreciation of the ISFJ. Consequently, the best gift that the partner of an ISFJ can give them is the expression of their love and appreciation.

ISFJs have difficulty with conflict situations, and would much prefer to just sweep things under the rug. Sometimes facing a conflict situation helps to resolve it, and the ISFJ should realize that the world will not end if they face the conflict, and express how they feel about it. A conflict situation is not necessarily a “problem” which needs to be gotten rid of, and it is also not necessarily the ISFJ’s fault. It’s a common problem for ISFJ’s to not express their feelings until pushed to some limit, after which they explode in anger and say things which they later feel they shouldn’t have said. These kinds of outbursts can be reduced by expressing their feelings on a more regular basis, rather than keeping them pent up inside.

In general, the ISFJ is usually a traditional, family-minded individual who places the comfort of their mates and families as their first priority in life. They’re great for providing for everyday basic needs, and have a depth of caring which is very unusual, and not found in most types. They highly invested in the health of their relationships, and will work very hard to make things run smoothly. They are dependable and affectionate lovers.

Although two well-developed individuals of any type can enjoy a healthy relationship, the ISFJ’s natural partner is the ESTP, or the ESFP. ISFJ’s dominant function of Introverted Sensing is best matched with a partner whose dominant function is Extraverted Sensing. How did we arrive at this?

ISFJs as Parents

“You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth…
Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.” — Kahlil Gibran
Parenthood is seen as natural state and duty to the ISFJ. They are responsible about ensuring that their children have their practical needs met, and try to teach them the rules and observations of our society so that they grow into responsible and independent adults.

ISFJs may have difficulty administering punishment or discipline to their chldren, although most are able to overcome this discomfort because they feel it is their greater duty to instill their children with sound values. As individuals who value order and structure, they’re likely to create well-defined boundaries and roles for their children to live within.

ISFJ parents have a very difficult time if their children grow into “problem” adults They tend to believe that it is their responsibility, and that they didn’t work hard enough to raise their children well. This may or may not be the case, but usually it isn’t. The ISFJ usually puts forth a lot of energy and effort, and doesn’t give themselves credit for doing so.

In many ways, an ISFJ makes an ideal parent. Their children will not lack for structure, appropriate guidelines, or warmth and affection. Their children will remember and value the ISFJ parent for their warm natures and genuine efforts on their children’s behalf.

ISFJs as Friends

Although the ISFJ is likely to place God and family above their friends in their priorities, they genuinely enjoy spending time with friends and colleagues. In fact, ISFJs usually feel a strong need to talk problems and issues over with people before making decisions on their actions. Some ISFJs like to discuss things over with their friends, rather than their families.

ISFJs enjoy spending time with most other types of people. The love to observe people’s reactions and emotions in situations, and so enjoy being around diverse types of people. The ISFJ usually remains reserved around others, and does not open up very much. However, since they have a need to talk things over with others in order to make decisions, they do really need some close confidantes in their life. Their preference for these companions are other Sensing Feeling Judgers. They really enjoy and respect the company of Intuitive Feelers as well, but are not able to relate to them quite as well.

Friends of the ISFJ will value them for their warmth, dependability, depth of emotional awareness and understanding.

ESFJ

ESFJ Relationships

ESFJs are warm-hearted individuals who highly value their close personal relationships. They are very service-oriented, and their own happiness is closely tied into the happiness and comfort of those around them. They are valued for their genuine warm and caring natures, and their special ability to bring out the best in others. They usually do not handle conflict well, and may tend to be very controlling or manipulative. Relationships are central to their lives, and they put forth a great amount of energy into developing and maintaining their close interpersonal relationships. They expect the same from others.

ESFJ Strengths

Put forth a lot of effort to fulfill their duties and obligations
Warm, friendly and affirming by nature
Service-oriented, they want to please others
Take their commitments very seriously, and seek lifelong relationships
Responsible and practical, they can be counted to take care of day-to-day necessities
Generally upbeat and popular, people are drawn towards them
Generally very good money managers
Traditionally minded and family-oriented, they will make family celebrations and traditions special events
ESFJ Weaknesses

Generally uncomfortable with change, and moving into new territories
Extreme dislike of conflict and criticism
Need a lot of positive affirmation to feel good about themselves
May be overly status-conscious, and interested in how others see them
Have very difficult time accepting the end of a relationship, and are likely to take the blame for the failure onto their own shoulders
Have difficulty accepting negative things about people close to them
Don’t pay enough attention to their own needs, and may be self-sacrificing
May tend to use guilt manipulation as a way to get what they want
ESFJs as Lovers

“To love means to open ourselves to the negative as well as the positive – to grief, sorrow, and disappointment as well as to joy, fulfillment, and an intensity of consciousness we did not know was possible before.” — Rollo May

ESFJs are warmly caring people who give their intimate relationships a lot of special care and attention. They’re usually traditional and take their commitments very seriously. Once the ESFJ has said “I do”, you can bet that they will put forth every effort to fulfill their obligations to the relationship.

ESFJs want to be appreciated for who they are, and what they give to others. This need of theirs is sometimes intensified to the point where they are very emotionally needy, and constantly “go fishing” for affirmation if it is not freely given. ESFJs typically cannot stand conflict or criticism. They take any sort of criticism as a general indictment of their character. This is a potential pitfall for ESFJs to be aware of. In the face of negative feedback, or the absence of positive affirmation, ESFJ may become very depressed and down on themselves. Appreciation is the greatest gift that their mates can give them.

ESFJs have a tendency to be very conscious of social status and “what other people think”. They should take care not to let this interfere with their close relationships.

Sexually, ESFJs are warm and loving, and welcome intimacy as an opportunity to express their affections, and receive their partners gifts of love. Many ESFJs have a tendency to be highly scheduled and traditional in their sexual habits, but this is almost always overcome by increasing their education and awareness of options. ESFJs are very service-oriented and will place a lot of importance on making their partners happy.

Being highly practical, the ESFJ is excellent in matters regarding home management. They’re likely to be very responsible about taking care of day-to-day needs, and to be careful and cautious about money matters. They are interested in security and peaceful living, and are willing and able to do their part towards acheiving these goals for themselves, their mates, and their families.

Most ESFJs have a strong need to “belong” – whether it be to institutions or traditions, or family units. This need usually causes them to be quite social creatures, who enjoy attending parties, as well as throwing their own. They’re likely to strongly desire that their mates share in their social experiences.

Although two well-developed individuals of any type can enjoy a healthy relationship, ESFJ’s natural partner is the ISFP, or the INFP. ESFJ’s dominant function of Extraverted Feeling is best matched with someone whose dominant function is Introverted Feeling. The ESFJ/ISFP combination is ideal because is shares the common Sensing way of perceiving the world, but the ESFJ/INFP combination is also very good. How did we arrive at this?

ESFJs as Parents

“You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth…
Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.” — Kahlil Gibran

As parents, ESFJs are extremely committed to their roles and duties, and contain and freely express a great deal of love and affection for their children. They expect their children to honor, respect and obey their parents, and do not tolerate well any deviance from this rule of behavior. Their Feeling preference makes it difficult for them to punish or discipline their children. If they have not worked on overcoming this issue, they may tend to punish their children in less obvious ways, such as using guilt manipulation. This is a potential pitfall for the ESFJ to overcome. It is generally more effective and more healthy to directly issue punishment when called for.

The ESFJ is very service-oriented and concerned with the comfort and happiness of those around them. Consequently, their children are likely to have their practical needs taken care of very efficiently and responsibly. Their ESFJ parents will create structured environments for the children, where their boundaries will be well-defined and known.

The ESFJ’s tendency to be controlling, combined with their emphasis on tradition and security, makes it likely that they will be at least somewhat strict and controlling of their children. However, they will also be their children’s strongest, loudest advocate. Children of ESFJ parents are likely to rebel from their authority at some point, which will cause a stressful time for both parent and child. In this case, the ESFJ natural tendency is to make their children feel guilty about their behavior. Depending on the extent of the guilt manipulation, this may cause serious damage to the relationship.

Most ESFJs are remembered fondly by their children for their genuine love and affection, and for the well-defined structure and guidelines they created for their children.

ESFJs as Friends

Although the ESFJ usually puts their family in front of their friends, they do place a lot of importance on their close friendships, and feel tremendous loyalty towards their friends. Since they feel tremendous pressure in their lives to constantly “do their duty”, they may sometimes turn their friendships into another task or responsibility. Usually, however, they get a lot of enjoyment from their friendships, and give back a lot of affirming warmth.

There are a couple of ESFJ tendencies which may cause problems with their casual and intimate friendships: 1) they don’t give things freely – they expect something in return, and 2) they have a difficult time believing anything bad about someone close to them.

ESFJs are valued by others for their genuine interest in people, and for their warmth and kind-heartedness. They have a special skill at seeing the best in others, and making people feel good about themselves. As such, they usually have a relatively large number of very close friends, usually of all different personality types.

ESFJs are likely to have well-furnished, orderly and attractive homes. They are usually excellents hosts and hostesses, and enjoy throwing parties and having a good time. They like to feel as if they belong to traditions and institutions, and are likely to have a relatively large group of people which they include in their social circles.

ISTP
ISTP Relationships

ISTPs are generally extremely capable individuals who are good at most things which interest them. They are usually bright, interesting, and exciting individuals with a lot to offer. They live almost entirely in the present moment, and usually do not make commitments beyond the immediate foreseeable future. An ISTP probably coined the phrase “nothing is unconditional”. They strongly prefer to take things one day at a time, rather than make long-term commitments. If a relationship interests them and satisfies their needs, the ISTP will do their part on a daily basis to keep the relationship strong and healthy. If they lose interest in a relationship, their natural tendency will be to move on.

ISTP Strengths

Good listeners
Usually self-confident
Generally optimistic and fun to be with
Practical and realistic, they handle daily concerns
Are not threatened by conflict or criticism
Able to leave a relationship with relative ease once it is over
Able to administer punishment, although they’re not interested in doing so
Likely to respect other’s needs for space and privacy
ISTP Weaknesses

Living entirely in the present, they have difficulty with long-term commitments
Not naturally good at expressing feelings and emotions
Not tuned in to what others are feeling, they may be insensitive at times
Tendency to be overly private and hold back part of themselves
Need a lot of personal space, which they don’t like to have invaded
They thrive on action and excitement, and may stir things up to create it
ISTPs as Lovers

“To love means to open ourselves to the negative as well as the positive – to grief, sorrow, and disappointment as well as to joy, fulfillment, and an intensity of consciousness we did not know was possible before.” — Rollo May
ISTPs can be very intense and exciting individuals. Their strong Thinking preference makes them seem rather aloof and “hard to get”. Their Sensing and Perceiving preferences make them sensual, earthy individuals. These attributes frequently make them attractive to the opposite sex. ISTPs live entirely in the current moment, which makes them especially interested in new sensations and experiences. They strongly dislike routine and strict schedules, and resist being controlled by others. They are fiercely independent and need their own space within a relationship. When involved in relationships which provide for their basic needs and which present them with new experiences, the ISTP will be happy to do what’s necessary to keep the relationship alive and well. If a relationship becomes boring or oppressive to the ISTP, they will try to fix it, or move on. ISTPs take their commitments on a day-by-day basis. Even if they say “I do”, it usually means “I do for now”. They do not like to make lifelong commitments, although they may very well be involved in lifelong relationships which they have taken one day at a time.

Sexually, the ISTP approaches intimacy as a physical act rather than an expression of love and affection. They are earthy and sensual beings who enthusiastically experience sex with all five senses. They bring spontaneity, creativity, and enthusiasm into the bedroom, and enjoy new experiences. Since aesthetic beauty has such strong appeal to them, they appreciate the “setting”, i.e. bedding, lingerie, cologne, etc.

ISTPs love to fix things, and may create problems in their personal relationships, just so that they can have the fun of fixing them.

They have a tendency to hold back their own views on things. They like to listen to other people’s views, but are generally non-commital about expressing their own opinions. ISTPs have a habit of evading answering questions by asking more questions. This can be frustrating at times to their mates, if they are after a direct answer. The ISTP’s decision making process is entirely internal, so they don’t feel much need to share their opinions with others. When they are interacting with others, they are in “information gathering” mode, so they tend to ask questions rather than share views. The ISTP just doesn’t feel the need to expose themselves fully to others. When it comes to intimate relationships, the ISTP has the further motivation of protecting themselves. Most ISTPs are afraid of having to deal with their deeper feelings. Since their Thinking preference dominates their personality, their Feeling side is their least developed (inferior) function. Consequently, ISTPs are usually quite vulnerable and perhaps weak when dealing with their feelings. Their habit of keeping part of themselves hidden may also serve the purpose of keeping a protective wall around their hearts.

Although the ISTP does not usually have a well-developed Feeling side, they frequently do have intense feelings for people. They can feel overpowering love for their mates, although they are likely not to express their emotions, or to express them inadequately or inappropriately if they do venture towards expression. However, unlike many of the other personality types, ISTPs feel strong affections one day at a time. One day, they may feel completely, intensely in love with their mate, and the next day they may be totally disinterested, or perhaps even ready to move on. This “live for the moment” type of approach is different from how most other types experience their feelings, and is difficult for many to understand. Consequently, the ISTP may be called “fickle” or “cold”. In fact, they are not really fickle, and certainly not cold. They simply experience their lives on a moment by moment basis, and go along with it’s natural flow. However, since most people need more commitment than can be offered when taking things day-by-day, the ISTP who wants to remain in a relationship will have to resolve themself towards being involved in a more traditional commitment. For most ISTPs, making a commitment to an intimate relationship will require an effort to stretch themselves outside of their comfort zones. However, those who do so will realize that they can enjoy the benefits of a strong, committed relationship and still live their lives in the present tense.

Although two well-developed individuals of any type can enjoy a healthy relationship, the ISTP’s natural partner is the ESTJ, or the ENTJ. ISTP’s dominant function of Introverted Thinking is best matched with a partner whose personality is dominated by Extraverted Thinking. The ISTP/ESTJ combination is ideal, because both types share the Sensing preference for perceiving the world, but ISTP/ENTJ is also a good combination. How did we arrive at this?

ISTPs as Parents

“You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth…
Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.” — Kahlil Gibran
ISTPs are flexible, laid-back, uncontrolling parents who like to take things as they come. Their dislike of being controlled or controlling others extends to their children as well, and they’re consequently likely to give their kids a lot of breathing room and space for individual growth. However, when discipline is required, the ISTP will be able to administer it without too much difficulty. They may have difficulty mustering up the enthusiasm to discipline their kids, but once they get going they’ll be effective.

ISTP parents are likely to maintain a distance between themselves and their children. They do not feel a tremendous need to pass on their values to their children, or to influence their decisions in life. They’re likely to rely on their mates for creating a structured environment for their children to live within. ISTPs do not like to be directed or controlled, and are not likely to direct and control others – including their children. They’re likely to be relatively uninvolved with the daily happenings of family life, without making a conscious effort to keep interested.

ISTPs will enjoy spending one-on-one time with their children pursuing outdoorsy activities, such as fishing, boating, hunting, etc. It is during these private moments that the ISTP will take the opportunity to get to know their children’s perspectives, and to pass on the ISTP’s interests and perspectives.

ISTPs as Friends

ISTPs have an enthusiastic, childlike approach to life that is attractive to others. As Introverted Thinkers, they also have some real substance to them which prevents them from being entirely frivolous and hedonic in their pursuits. They are laid-back and flexible, and generally accepting of a wide range of behavior. These attributes make them valued friends and confidantes.

ISTPs usually have a selection of friends who share their love of particular hobbies and pasttimes. They might have a friend who they ski with, and another who they shoot pool with, etc. They generally have no interest or patience with individuals who do not share their interests, and will spend little or no time with them. They have a difficult time understanding people with extremely strong iNtuitive preferences, and are not likely to spend time with these individuals unless they share a common interest or hobby. They enjoy spending time with Extraverts, whose enthusiastic, talkative natures are attractive to the more reserved ISTP, but they will eventually tire of their “bubbliness”. The ISTP is able to get along well with people of any personality type, but is likely to value and bond only those with whom they have common interests.

ESTP

ESTP Relationships

ESTPs are gregarious and fun-loving individuals who want to make the most of every moment. They love action, and always seem to be doing something. This enthusiasm is carried over to their personal relationships, which they approach with the desire to make the most of their relationships on a daily basis. They tend to get bored easily, and may be prone to switching relationships frequently unless they find an outlet for their boredom elsewhere. They approach life on a day-by-day basis, so long-term commitments are not naturally comfortable for the ESTP. They may feel tremendously committed, but they want to take their commitments day by day.

ESTP Strengths

Can be quite charming
Witty, clever, and popular
Earthy and sensual
Not personally threatened by conflict or criticism
Excellent and clear-headed dealing with emergency situations
Enthusiastic and fun-loving, they try to make everything enjoyable
As “big kids” themselves, they’re eager, willing and able to spend time with their kids
Likely to enjoy lavishing their loved ones with big gifts (both a strength and a weakness)
ESTP Weaknesses

Not naturally in tune with what others are feeling
Not naturally good at expressing feelings and emotions
May inadvertantly hurt others with insensitive language
May be very good with money, but highly risky with it as well
Living in the present, they’re not usually good long-range planners
May fall into the habit of ignoring conflict, rather than solving it
Don’t naturally make lifelong commitments – they take things one day at a time
Prone to get bored easily
More likely than other type to leave relationships quickly when they get bored
Likely to enjoy lavishing their loved ones with big gifts (both a strength and a weakness)
ESTPs as Lovers

“To love means to open ourselves to the negative as well as the positive – to grief, sorrow, and disappointment as well as to joy, fulfillment, and an intensity of consciousness we did not know was possible before.” — Rollo May

ESTPs are enthusiastic and friendly people who approach everything in a Big way. They can be extremely charming, especially in the beginning of a relationship. They’re also quite generous, and known for “sweeping their partners off their feet”. They’re very sensual and earthy, and are usually live fast-paced lives where their focus is on the present moment. They bring a lot of fun and energy into their personal relationships.

Commitment is not a strong point for the ESTP. Living almost entirely in the present moment, they’re not comfortable with making plans far in advance for their future. If this tendency is not addressed in the ESTP, they may fall into a pattern of jumping from relationship to relationship without ever making a real commitment. If this is okay with the ESTP, then that behavior is fine. Most people at some point in their lives do wish to settle down. If the ESTP reaches that point, there’s no reason they can’t make a commitment as long as they consciously renew it to themselves daily.

Sexually, the ESTP approaches intimacy as a tangible, fun way to make the most of the relationship in the present moment. They’re keenly aware of their senses, and so are very sensual and earthy lovers. They are likely to view intimacy from a lighter, physical perspective rather than as an opportunity for expressing a lot of verbal affection and affirmation. If partnered with someone who has the Feeling preference, they should consciously make the effort to sometimes verbally express affection during intimacy.

ESTP’s are not naturally in tune with what others are feeling, and may lack in the areas of giving affirmation, gratitude, and support to their partners. They tend to believe that actions speak louder than words, and so don’t understand the need to say things which should be obvious. Types with the Feeling preference require positive feedback in a way that ESTPs don’t. The best gift that the ESTP partner can give to their Feeling mate is often the expression of their love.

Although two well-developed individuals of any type can enjoy a healthy relationship, ESTP’s natural partner is the ISFJ, or the ISTJ. ESTP’s dominant function of Extraverted Sensing is best matched with a personality type that is dominated by Introverted Sensing. How did we arrive at this?

ESTPs as Parents

“You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth…
Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.” — Kahlil Gibran

There is a little bit of kid in every grown-up ESTP, so they’re likely to really enjoy spending time “playing” with their children. The ESTP’s goal with regards to parenthood is usually not structured or organized. They tend to take things as they come, and teach their kids what seems appropriate when situations occur. The ESTP is enthusiastic about both teaching their children and learning from them. They’re likely to value their kids as individuals, and allow them to have their own voices in the family unit.

The ESTP doesn’t believe that they have all the answers. They believe that many things in life have no obvious answer. They tend to be very down to earth individuals who do not believe that they’re better than others, or that they have some great voice of authority within them. Therefore, they’re likely to be their children’s friend and companion more than a disciplinary guide. However, the ESTP will not have a problem with issuing punishment and discipline when necessary. But, the ESTP has such easy-going ways that they’re not likely to see the need for discipline as frequently as some other types do. This may be a point of contention between the ESTP and their mate.

Highly practical and quick-acting, the ESTP is excellent to have around in an emergency. They’re tuned in to everyday needs, and are likely to be good providers of practical care. They will not be overly expressive of their feelings for their children, and may be gruff and unnatural when expressing love.

In general, ESTPs are enthusiastic parents who usually form strong bonds of friendship with their offspring.

ESTPs as Friends

ESTPs are very good with people. They have excellent skills of observation, and know how to act appropriately with all types of people. Consequently, the ESTP can get along with just about any personality type.

The ESTP is not likely to choose to be around all of the personality types. They have little patience for iNtuitive Thinking types, who seem very abstract and theoretical to the ESTP, who values action. The ESTP is likely to choose to be around people who have similar interests to their own – such as sports-oriented interests. They will probably spend time with their friends doing things, rather than just sitting around hanging out.

The ESTP is usually quite popular, because they’re enthusiastic, fast-paced, friendly, talkative, and know how to have a good time. Some ESTPs tend to “move on” quickly in life, and don’t form very long friendships. Many ESTPs have lifelong friends, because although they take life day by day, they feel tremendous loyal and “brotherhood” towards their peers. They’re highly valued by their friends for their fun-loving natures and loyalty.

ESFP

ESFP Relationships

ESFPs are fun and delightful to be with. They live for the moment, and know how to make the most of each moment. They are genuinely, warmly interested in people, and love to make others happy. They’re usually very kind-hearted and generous, and are always going out of their way to do something nice for someone. Their affection is simple, straight-forward and honest. They dislike theory and complexities. They often resist forming relationships which require them to function on a high Intuitive or Thinking level. They prefer for things to be light and happy, although their warmth and affection runs deep. Their potential downfall is the tendency to live entirely for the present moment, and therefore to sometimes be unaware of the direction that their relationship is heading, or to be easily distracted from long-term commitments.

ESFP Strengths

Enthusiastic and fun-loving, they make everything enjoyable
Clever, witty, direct, and popular, people are drawn towards them
Earthy and sensual
Down to earth and practical, able to take care of daily needs
Artistic and creative, they’re likely to have attractive homes
Flexible and diverse, they “go with the flow” extremely well
They can leave bad relationships, although it’s not easy
Try to make the most of every moment
Generous and warm-hearted
ESFP Weaknesses

May be frivolous and risky with money
Tend to be materialistic
Extreme dislike of criticism, likely to take things extremely personally
Likely to ignore or escape conflict situations rather than face them
Lifelong commitments may be a struggle for them – they take things one day at a time
Don’t pay enough attention to their own needs
Tendency to neglect their health, or even abuse their bodies
Always excited by something new, they may change partners frequently
ESFPs as Lovers

“To love means to open ourselves to the negative as well as the positive – to grief, sorrow, and disappointment as well as to joy, fulfillment, and an intensity of consciousness we did not know was possible before.” — Rollo May

ESFPs embrace their love relationships in a Big way – similar to the way they approach their lives in general. They love to be in love, and will try to make the most of each moment. They take things on a day-by-day basis, and are uncomfortable thinking too much about the future, or making plans far in advance. For this reason, ESFPs are not natural long-term commitment people. They may feel tremendously committed on a day-by-day basis, but they do not naturally plan for their futures.

This commitment issue is a potential pitfall for the ESFP. Many people of this type overcome this potential weakness, and become involved in truly satisfying, lifelong relationships. Others do not address this weakness, and move from relationship to relationship without forming real commitments, convincing themselves that this is what they truly want.

Sexually, the ESFP is a very earthy and sensual individual who seeks and enjoys intimate contact with their partners. Living in the here-and-now, they throughly embrace and enjoy the experience with all five senses. They are generous and warm, and highly interested in making their partners happy.

ESFPs tend to be materialistic, and somewhat caught up in “what others think” of them. They should take care that this doesn’t interfere with their personal relationships, since many of the others types will not be able to relate to their perspectives on these matters.

ESFPs do not handle conflict well at all. They take any sort of criticism very personally, and consider it to be a general indictment of their character. They may react with anger and harsh words which they would later like to take back. ESFPs would do themselves a favor if they would come to realize that criticism can be looked at constructively, rather than destructively. If they can hear criticism without feeling personally threatened, the ESFP will have come a very long way towards greatly improving the strength and health of their relationships.

ESFPs are extremely literal and concrete when communicating. They say things in a very direct, abrupt manner, and can sometimes even unintentionally seem quite harsh. They like things to be communicated to them in a similar, concrete fashion. They dislike theory and abstraction, and will frequently misunderstand the jist of a communication if it is not communicated in a factual, present-tense manner. Discussions regarding the future or the past are not the ESFP’s strong suit, and in fact they’re likely to miscontrue future-looking statements as something that needs immediate attention. When they discover that the discussion is not regarding an immediate concern, they become disinterested.

ESFPs are in general very warm and giving people, with simple needs and demands from their partners. They just want to be happy, and want to bring happiness to others. They are energetic and popular individuals who will liven up the social life of the couple, and keep many new experiences on the horizon.

Although two well-developed individuals of any type can enjoy a healthy relationship, ESFP’s natural partner is the ISTJ, or the ISFJ. ESFP’s dominant Extraverted Sensing function is best matched with a personality that is dominated by Introverted Sensing. How did we arrive at this?

ESFPs as Parents

“You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth…
Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.” — Kahlil Gibran

The ESFP’s “go with the flow”, fun-loving attitude will extend to the raising of their children. They are warm and affectionate parents, and are great for giving practical care to their children. They like to do things in a Big way, and enjoy big families.

The ESFP will freely give love and affection to their children, but they frequently have a problem with defining a structured, orderly environment for them, and they may rely on their mates in this regard. Ultimately, the ESFP likely believes that too much structure is not a healthy thing for anyone, and so they’re unlikely to enforce a highly structured or disciplined environment. If this trait is strongly present in the ESFP, and is not counteracted by their mate’s perspective, it could be considered a potential pitfall for the ESFP parent. Children need some structure which can be depended upon as they grow up.

The ESFP is very practical and concrete in their daily needs, and are usually quite good at taking care of their children’s daily needs. Although their approach to life is frequently “ad-lib”, and their lives are almost always extremely full of exciting events, the ESFP is very good at juggling many things at once, which makes them especially good at handling the various issues which come up in a large family.

ESFPs tend to have difficulty with the authoritarian role, preferring to be their children’s friend. However, they do expect to be given respect and to be obeyed when necessary, and will fall into the role of parental authoritarian at times. This can be frustrating for some children, especially those with strong Judging tendencies, as they will not know what to expect from their ESFP parent.

ESFPs are usually remembered fondly by their children for being fun-loving, upbeat, and affectionate, although somewhat scattered.

ESFPs as Friends

ESFPs are highly enthusiastic and effervescent. They are usually very popular, because people are naturally drawn towards them. They get such genuine delight and enjoyment from experiences which they encounter in life, and they love nothing better than to draw a crowd of people along with them for the sheer fun of it. ESFPs try to turn every day into a party, and they’re usually successful at doing so.

ESFPs are highly valued for their ability to have a good time, and for their genuine warmth and interest towards people. They are extremely in tune with their five senses, and may be prone to overload them with too much alcohol, food, or drugs. They get along with all sorts of people, although they’re not interested in spending time with people who they find boring, or who expect the ESFP to communicate with them on an Intuitive or Thinking level. Some people may disapprove of the ESFP’s fun-oriented lifestyle. Others may be put off by their very stright-forward and blunt speaking style. The ESFP is likely to especially enjoy spending time with other Extraverts who have the Feeling preference, although they may have a special place in their hearts for people of any preference.

ISFP

ISFP Relationships

ISFPs are warmhearted, gentle people who take their commitments seriously, and seek lifelong relationships. They are very private people, who keep their true feelings and opinions reserved or hidden from others. This may cause them to constantly defer to their mates in their intimate relationships, which may cause problems if their mates are not extremely aware of the ISFP’s feelings. Some ISFPs who are in the habit of not expressing their needs and feelings find themselves in situations throughout their life where they feel overshadowed, overlooked, or even “tread upon” by others. Highly practical and cynical by nature, these feelings may cause the ISFP to become bitter, and to either give up on their relationships, or to start using their relationships for their own personal gain. Although this problem is observed sometimes in the ISFP type, it does not seem to be present in those ISFPs who consistently express their feelings to those closest to them. These ISFPs have a very positive, warm outlook on life and love, and are not as likely to find themselves in relationships where they are taken for granted or taken advantage of. ISFPs go to great lengths to please their partners. They’re very loyal and supportive, with a deep capacity for love. They detest conflict and discord, and highly value being seen and understood for who they are. They need space to live their lives in their own unique way, and will respect other’s need for space.

ISFP Strengths

Warm, friendly and affirming by nature
Usually optimistic
Good listeners
Good at dealing with practical day-to-day concerns
Flexible and laid-back, usually willing to defer to their mates
Their love of aesthetic beauty and appreciation for function makes them likely to have attractive, functional homes
Take their commitments seriously, and seek lifelong relationships
Likely to value and respect other’s personal space
Likely to enjoy showing their affection through acts and deeds
Sensuous and earthy
ISFP Weaknesses

Not good at long-range financial (or other) planning
Extreme dislike of conflict and criticism
Focused on enjoying the present moment, they may appear lazy or slow-moving at times
Need to have their own space, and dislike having it invaded
May be slow to show their affection with words
Tendency to hold back their thoughts and feelings, unless drawn out
May become overly cynical and practical
ISFPs as Lovers

“To love means to open ourselves to the negative as well as the positive – to grief, sorrow, and disappointment as well as to joy, fulfillment, and an intensity of consciousness we did not know was possible before.” — Rollo May
ISFPs are warm and giving people, who have a depth of emotion and caring which is not often obvious to others, except those who know them extremely well. They are usually intense people, who experience their emotions on an intense level. Although they may appear to be light-hearted, they are in fact extremely serious, and take their relationships seriously. Unlike other SP types, people with the ISFP type desire and seek lifelong, committed relationships.

ISFPs may have a problem with communication. With Introverted Feeling dominating their personality, they are more vulnerable then most to being hurt. Perhaps because of this, they tend to hold back part of themselves from others, and do not always say what they think or feel. This is especially true during conflict situations, which the ISFP abhors more than anything in the world. Confrontations and arguments are very difficult for the ISFP to deal with. They feel personally threatened in these situations. If the ISFP falls into the habit of not communicating their feelings with their partner, this could cause serious problems in the relationship over the long haul.

Sexually, the ISFP approaches intimacy with complete attention, seriousness and depth. They experience lovemaking through their senses, and welcome the chance to interact with their mate at this level. They are not likely to express their feelings verbally, believing that actions speak louder than words.

ISFPs need positive affirmation to be happy and feel good about themselves. They need to be praised, although they are usually uncomfortable with “gushy” praise. The greatest gift their partners can give them is the expression of their affection and admiration.

Although two well-developed individuals of any type can enjoy a healthy relationship, the ISFP’s natural partner is the ESFJ, or the ENFJ. ISFP’s dominant function of Introverted Feeling is best matched with a partner whose dominant function is Extraverted Feeling. The ISFP/ESFJ combination is ideal, because the types share Sensing as their way of perceiving the world, but ISFP/ENFJ is also a good match. How did we arrive at this?

ISFPs as Parents

“You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth…
Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.” — Kahlil Gibran
ISFPs enjoy their parenting role, and take great pride and comfort in their children. Most have a special affinity with babies and young children, and form bonds with their children when they are very young. They are very laid-back parents, and are not likely to have highly defined expectations of their children. They will gently guide their behavior, and suggest a particular direction, but their own respect of the individual psyche will cause them to be quite easy-going and non-demanding as parents. The ISFP is likely to treat their children as individuals, and encourage them to have their own role in the family.

ISFPs love to have fun, and live in the current moment. All ISFPs have a bit of little kid inside themselves, and they love to play games alongside their children. They’re special affinity towards nature and animals makes them likely to lead their children in fun outdoors activities.

ISFPs are not likely to provide a very structured environment for their children. They are also likely to have a problem with disciplining or punishing their kids. The gentle manner and kind heart of the ISFP makes it hard for them to make others unhappy – especially their own children. However, structure and discipline are important for growing children. If the other parent encourages and promotes structure, and is able to administer discipline when necessary, the parent combination may work very well without there being an obvious lack of structure. However, if the other parent is also not strong with structure or discipline, this is an area which needs to have special attention. Growing children do not have the experience to decide on their own the difference between Right and Wrong. They need to have barriers set down in a tangible way, to help them decide.

ISFPs like to show their love in deeds rather than words, which is manifested in their doing a lot for their children. They may lavish them with gifts on Christmas day, or go out of their way to do special things for them.

The ISFP is a service-oriented person, who defines their personal worth in some part by how happy they make others. This is typical of people with the Feeling preference. The special potential problem that ISFPs face is their service-oriented attitude combined with their habit of not expressing their own needs and feelings. This combination causes some ISFPs to get taken for granted. If this happens frequently to an ISFP, they may become bitter and angry. They think of themselves as victims, and may erect barriers to keep out those who have hurt them. This may be a serious problem if the ISFP parent feels that their children are taking them for granted. The best defense against such a situation occuring is for the ISFP to get into the habit of verbalizing and communicating their needs.

ISFP parents will be loyal, dedicated and self-sacrificing to their children until they leave home. When the kids have left the nest, the ISFP will enjoy their time alone to do things for themself. If the ISFP has not allowed themselves to become victims or victimizers in their life, they will be very good parents, and will be remembered fondly and affectionately by their children.

ISFPs as Friends

ISFPs are able to get along with most of the other personality types, although they tend to be reserved around those they don’t know well. They will enjoy spending time with others who share their interests, and who understand and accept the ISFP for who they are. They greatly value their space and autonomy, and appreciate other’s respect for that.

The ISFP is not likely to have much patience or tolerance for those who are strongly Judging. ISFPs celebrate their own uniqueness, as well as everybody else’s, and don’t appreciate being judged harshly for their differences.

In work settings, the ISFP is likely to get along with most everyone, unless someone inhabits their space too much, in which case sparks may fly. Generally, the ISFP is kind-hearted and generous with those they care about, and makes a true-blue friend.

ENTJ

ENTJ Relationships

ENTJs put a lot of effort and enthusiasm into their relationships. Since their major quest in life is to constantly take in knowledge and turn that into something useful, the ENTJ will try to turn everything into a learning experience. Within the context of relationships, that means they will constantly seek knowledge and revise the rules and definitions of their relationships. They value their relationships highly, especially those relationships which present them with new challenges and stimulate their learning. Such exchanges promote genuine affection and satisfaction for the ENTJ. Relationships which do not offer any chances for growth or learning hold no interest to the ENTJ. As in other areas of life, the ENTJ likes to be in charge of their relationships. In conversation, they are very direct and confrontational, and can be highly critical and challenging towards others. People involved in close relationships with the ENTJ need to have a good amount of personal strength. For those who do, the ENTJ has a tremendous amount to offer.

ENTJ Strengths

Genuinely interested in people’s ideas and thoughts
Enthusiastic and energetic
Take their commitments very seriously
Fair-minded and interested in doing the Right Thing
Very good with money
Extremely direct and straightforward
Verbally fluent
Enhance and encourage knowledge and self-growth in all aspects of life
Able to leave relationships without looking back
Able to turn conflict situations into positive lessons
Able to take constructive criticism well
Extremely high standards and expectations (both a strength and a weakness)
Usually have strong affections and sentimental streaks
Able to dole out discipline
ENTJ Weaknesses

Their enthusiasm for verbal debates can make them appear argumentative
Tendency to be challenging and confrontational
Tend to get involved in “win-lose” conversations
Tendency to have difficulty listening to others
Tendency to be critical of opinions and attitudes which don’t match their own
Extremely high standards and expectations (both a strength and a weakness)
Not naturally in tune with people’s feelings and reactions
May have difficulty expressing love and affection, sometimes seeming awkward or inappropriate
Can be overpowering and intimidating to others
Tendency to want to always be in charge, rather than sharing responsibilities
Can be very harsh and intolerant about messiness or inefficiency
Tendency to be controlling
May be slow to give praise or to realize another’s need for praise
If unhappy or underdeveloped, they may be very impersonal, dictatorial, or abrasive
Tendency to make hasty decisions
Make explode with terrible tempers when under extreme stress
ENTJs as Lovers

“To love means to open ourselves to the negative as well as the positive – to grief, sorrow, and disappointment as well as to joy, fulfillment, and an intensity of consciousness we did not know was possible before.” — Rollo May

ENTJs make aggressive, enthusiastic partners who take their commitments very seriously. As in other aspects of their life, they want to be the leader in the relationship, and take on responsibility for making things work. The are creative leaders, and are likely to have relationships which promote constant growth and learning. Since they are constantly scanning the environment for new ideas and things worth learning, the ENTJ may frequently re-define the “rules” of the relationship, although their commitment remains constant. If it becomes very clear to them that the relationship no longer offers any chance of growth or learning, the ENTJ will leave the situation, and not look back.

ENTJs are usually very successful in their careers, and usually very good with money. This is helpful in that it may remove a lot of the conflict which couples generate over money matters, but it may become a problem if the ENTJ is too much of a workaholic to spend time on the growth and development of the relationship.

The ENTJ is not naturally in-tune with the feelings and emotions of their partners. ENTJs who allow themselves time to be alone, and develop the introspective “feeling” side of their natures, will be generally “softer” individuals, who are more aware of their partners’ emotional needs. However, this awareness is almost always a conscious attempt on the part of the ENTJ, rather than a naturally occuring characteristic. ENTJs who do not make the attempt to be aware of others, and to value their feelings and opinions, may find themselves in unbalanced relationships, where real communication does not take place. These kinds of situations present a two-edged sword to the ENTJ. They want to be in charge, but if they become so much in charge as to stifle their partners, they will eventually become bored with the relationship.

Sexually, the ENTJ is robust, imaginative and enthusiastic. Their natural instinct to lead will be apparent in this arena as well as other areas of life, and they will lead their partner on creative lovemaking adventures, where the focus is on mutual learning and affection sharing. They’re likely to expect sex on a relatively scheduled basis.

The ENTJ does not usually have a problem with self-confidence and is not especially emotionally needy. Although they enjoy being told that they are loved and appreciated, they don’t need to hear these types of avowals as often as most other types. If they are partnered with a Feeling type, they are probably not likely to fulfill their partner’s needs for intimate words without conscious effort. Even with effort, the ENTJ may have problems being aware of other’s emotional needs, and they most likely won’t understand those needs even if they are aware of them.

ENTJs approach conflict as an opportunity for growth and learning. This is a very healthy outlook in general, but may be a problem in a close relationship with a Feeling type. Individuals with the Feeling preference generally detest conflict and criticism, and avoid it as one would avoid a deadly snake. The ENTJs tendency to be confrontational may be very threatening to a person with a Feeling preference – especially so if they are an intimate partner of the ENTJ. An ENTJ who has a well-developed Feeling side may work well with a partner with a Feeling preference. Otherwise, ENTJs will probably have the most successful intimate relationships with types which prefer the Thinking process naturally, or who are not extremely strong on the Feeling preference.

In general, the ENTJ has a lot to offer to their intimate relationships. They’re dedicated and enthusiastic, and willing to put forth a lot of effort to make things work out. They take on responsibility and accountability, and expect to be in charge. Their relationship will be one based on mutual respect, constant growth and development.

Although two well-developed individuals of any type can enjoy a healthy relationship, ENTJ’s natural partner is the INTP, or the ISTP. AN ENTJ’s dominant function of Extraverted Thinking is best-matched with a personality type that is dominanted by Introverted Thinking. The ENTJ/INTP match is ideal, because it also shares the common Intuitive way of looking at the world, but the ENTJ/ISTP match is also very good. How did we arrive at this?

ENTJs as Parents

“You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth…
Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.” — Kahlil Gibran

ENTJs take their parenting role very seriously. They consider the task of passing on their values and goals to their children as an objective fact – it is something which will be done. They consider it their responsibility to make sure that their child is constantly developing and learning in the most optimal way. The ENTJ parent is usually rather strict, and has very high expectations of their children.

As a parent, the ENTJ continuously promotes learning and independent thinking. They pass on their love of knowledge to their children, and challenge them at every turn to thoroughly understand their positions and perspectives. They expect that their children will follow their lead. The ENTJ is in charge – there can be no doubt about that. They expect their children to honor their parents, and to follow the rules and procedures which are set forth for the household. There is little room for error in those expectations, and the ENTJ will be a harsh parental authoritarian when the rules are broken. The children of an ENTJ usually know their place, and have a lot of respect for their ENTJ parent.

During the teen years, we are likely to see a child rebel from their relationship with the ENTJ. Although this situation is common with almost all of the types, it is especially true for parents who are Extraverted Judging types. Children growing into adults do not want to be controlled, and adults who are used to controlling their children have a difficult time letting go. The ENTJ parent would be wise to “loosen up” their hold a bit, as long as they can do so without compromising what they feel to be right.

ENTJs who have not given themselves introspective time to develop the feeling side of their nature frequently develop harsh, aggressive tendancies. Such an ENTJ parent is prone to be something of a dictator – giving out orders arbitrarily, and expecting them to be followed to a “T” without any “back-talk”. If continued over a long span of time, this kind of behavior creates an oppressive environment for the child. An ENTJ can address such tendancies by making time for introspection, and remembering to consciously be aware of people’s feelings.

ENTJs who have managed to avoid many of the problems associated with their type are wonderful parental figures. They are remembered fondly and valued by their children for challenging them at every turn, and thus promoting growth and development. This type of knowledge seeking usually becomes a life-long habit for their children, who turn into responsible and independent adults.

ENTJs as Friends

ENTJs are bright, energetic, sociable individuals who are keenly interested in other people’s ideas, theories and perspectives. They love nothing better than to participate in quality conversation with other people who share similar views to their own, or who have something new to teach the ENTJ. They make stimulating, interesting, and dynamic friends and peers.

The ENTJ thoroughly enjoys lively, intellectual conversations – welcoming such interaction as a learning opportunity for all parties involved. They have a tendency to be direct and challenging when interacting with others, which tends to put people on the defensive. This is in fact exactly what they’re after – the ENTJ wants to learn what you know, and understand as many of the nuances of your knowledge as the context of the conversation will allow. They go after this knowledge in a very direct, confrontational manner. With this approach, they will learn not only the facts of the knowledge, but also the background of the individual’s stance on that piece of knowledge. How well does the individual understand the topic? How invested is the individual in their stance? This method of “unsettling” people has the effect of livening up conversations and stimulating learning, when the other conversationalists are able to easily withstand the interrogations of the ENTJ. People who are uncomfortable with being challenged, or who are less than confident in the topic being discussed, are likely to be subdued into not expressing themselves with the ENTJ. This is a bit of a shame, since many people have valuable things to offer, but are not always willing to stand on top of a mountain and strongly shout their views to the world.

The ENTJ is likely to seek the company of people who have similar views and interests to their own. They have no patience with people who have very different lifestyles and perspectives from their own. However, as individuals with a great deal of personal power, ENTJs are highly attracted to interacting with other individuals with a powerful presence. They admire such people, although they may not agree with them. ENTJs are likely to form their closer friendships with other iNtuitives – especially Extraverted iNtuitives, such as ENTJs, ENTPs, ENFJs, and ENFPs. The ENTJ will enjoy the other iNtuitives’ stimulating company, who share their enthusiasm for ideas and learning.

INTJ

INTJ Relationships

INTJs believe in constant growth in relationships, and strive for independence for themselves and their mates. They are constantly embarking on “fix-up” projects to improve the overall quality of their lives and relationships. They take their commitments seriously, but are open to redefining their vows, if they see something which may prove to be an improvement over the existing understanding. INTJs are not likely to be “touchy-feely” and overly affirming with their mates or children, and may at times be somewhat insensitive to their emotional needs. However, INTJs are in general extremely capable and intelligent individuals who strive to always be their best, and be moving in a positive direction. If they apply these basic goals to their personal relationships, they are likely to enjoy happy and healthy interaction with their families and friends.

INTJ Strengths

Not threatened by conflict or criticism
Usually self-confident
Take their relationships and commitments seriously
Generally extremely intelligent and capable
Able to leave a relationship which should be ended, although they may dwell on it in their minds for awhile afterwards
Interested in “optimizing” their relationships
Good listeners
INTJ Weaknesses

Not naturally in tune with others feelings; may be insensitive at times
May tend to respond to conflict with logic and reason, rather than the desired emotional support
Not naturally good at expressing feelings and affections
Tendency to believe that they’re always right
Tendency to be unwilling or unable to accept blame
Their constant quest to improve everything may be taxing on relationships
Tend to hold back part of themselves
INTJs as Lovers

“To love means to open ourselves to the negative as well as the positive – to grief, sorrow, and disappointment as well as to joy, fulfillment, and an intensity of consciousness we did not know was possible before.” — Rollo May
INTJs live much of their lives inside their own heads. They constantly scan their environment for new ideas and theories which they can turn into plans and structures. Sometimes, what they see and understand intuitively within themselves is more pure and “perfect” than the reality of a close personal relationship. INTJs may have a problem reconciling their reality with their fantasy.

INTJs are not naturally in tune with their own feelings, or with what other people are feeling. They also have a tendency to believe that they are always right. While their self-confidence and esteem is attractive, their lack of sensitivity to others can be a problem if it causes them to inadvertantly hurt their partner’s feelings. If this is a problem for an INTJ, they should remember to sometimes let their mate be the one who is right, and to try to be aware of the emotional effect that your words have upon them. In conflict situations, INTJs need to remember to be supportive to their mate’s emotional needs, rather than treating the conflict as if it is an interesting idea to analyze.

Sexually, the INTJ enjoys thinking about intimacy, and about ways to perfect it. In positive relationships, their creativity and intensity shine through in this arena. In more negative relationships, they might enjoy thinking about sex more than actually doing it. They’re likely to approach intimacy from a theoretical, creative perspective, rather than as an opportunity to express love and affection. Although, the INTJ who has learned the importance of these kinds of expressions to the health of their relationship is likely to be more verbally affectionate.

INTJs are able to leave relationships when they’re over, and get on with their lives. They believe that this is the right thing to do. They may have more difficulty accomplishing the task than they like to exhibit to other people.

INTJs are highly intense, intelligent people who bring a lot of depth and insight into most major areas of their life. In terms of relationships, their greatest potential pitfall is the tendency to think about things rather than doing them, and their difficulty reconciling reality with their inner visions. INTJs are likely to be in positive, healthy relationships, because they’re likely to leave relationships which aren’t working for them (unless other circumstances prohibit that).

Although two well-developed individuals of any type can enjoy a healthy relationship, the INTJ’s natural partner is the ENFP, or the ENTP. INTJ’s dominant function of Introverted Intuition is best matched with a partner whose personality is dominated by Extraverted Intuition. How did we arrive at this?

INTJs as Parents

“You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth…
Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.” — Kahlil Gibran
As parents, INTJ’s main goal is to raise their children to be intelligent, autonomous and independent. They want their kids to think for themselves and make their own decisions, and so are likely to give them room to grow, and to challenge their decisions and thoughts at key points in their lives.

The INTJ is not naturally likely to be an overly supportive or loving parental figure. Since their own need for expressions of love and affirmation is relatively low, they may have difficulty seeing that need in their children who have Feeling preferences. If they do see this sensitivity, they may not recognize or value the importance of feeding it. In such situations, there will be a distance between the INTJ and the child. This is a problem area for the INTJ, who should consciously remember to be aware of others’ emotional needs.

INTJs as Friends

INTJs are usually difficult to get to know well, and difficult to get close to. Those who are close to the INTJ will highly value them for their ideas and knowledge. Although INTJs are generally very serious-minded people, they also have been known to enjoy letting loose and having fun, if others pull them into it. They also can be really good at telling jokes, and exhibiting a sarcastic wit with a poker face.

The INTJ is not likely to choose to spend time with people who they feel don’t have anything to offer the INTJ. They especially like to spend time with other Intuitive Thinkers, and also usually enjoy the company of Intuitive Feelers. These personality types love to theorize and speculate about ideas, and so can usually relate well to the INTJ, who loves to analyze ideas.

Many INTJs believe that they are always right. In some INTJs, this belief is quite obvious, while in others it is more subtle. Some people may have a difficult time accepting what they see as a “superior attitude” or “snobbery”. Not to imply that INTJs are snobbish, just that some people with strong Feeling preferences may perceive them that way. And some individuals simply have no interest in the theoretical pursuits which the INTJ enjoys.

ENTP

ENTP Relationships

Typically good-natured, upbeat and laid-back, ENTPs can be delightful people to be around. They get a lot of enjoyment and satisfaction from interacting with others, and especially enjoy discussing and debating theories and concepts which interest them. They may be prone to initiate arguments because they so enjoy the debate. They are generally fun-loving and gregarious, and can be quite charming. They have a problem with sometimes neglecting their close relationships when they become involved in the pursuit of a new idea or plan.

ENTP Strengths

Enthusiastic, upbeat, and popular
Can be very charming
Excellent communication skills
Extremely interested in self-improvement and growth in their relationships
Laid-back and flexible, usually easy to get along with
Big idea-people, always working on a grand scheme or idea
Usually good at making money, although not so good at managing it
Take their commitments and relationships very seriously
Able to move on with their lives after leaving a relationship
ENTP Weaknesses

Always excited by anything new, they may change partners frequently
Tendency to not follow through on their plans and ideas
Their love of debate may cause them to provoke arguments
Big risk-takers and big spenders, not usually good at managing money
Although they take their commitments seriously, they tend to abandon their relationships which no longer offer opportunity for growth
ENTPs as Lovers

“To love means to open ourselves to the negative as well as the positive – to grief, sorrow, and disappointment as well as to joy, fulfillment, and an intensity of consciousness we did not know was possible before.” — Rollo May

ENTP’s goals for their intimate relationships are similar to their other personal goals: improvement and growth. They constantly ask themselves questions such as: How can the relationship be improved? Where is the relationship headed? Am I growing in the relationship? They are likely to enthusiastically embrace new ideas and projects for themselves and their mates which they feel will propel them along their goal for growth and knowledge discovery. The ENTP’s general enthusiasiam and good intentions are usually quite positive and healthful in a relationship.

A problem area for ENTP’s is their tendency to not follow through on their schemes. This can be frustrating to their mates. It may also create a “boy who called wolf” syndrome in their relationships, with their partner never believing that the ENTP will actually do what they say they’ll do.

Another potential problem area is the ENTP’s general tendency towards “wildness” and willingness to take risks. They may lead the family into uncomfortable financial situations, which can be quite stressful on intimate relationships.

Sexually, the ENTP is enthusiastic and interested in positive, constant growth for both partners. They’re likely to be very attentive, involved, and questioning. They enjoy spontaneity rather than fixed schedules, and fully embrace new ideas and adventures. They’re likely to approach intimacy as more of a physical act which conveys affection, rather than as an opportunity to explicitly express affection.

In general, ENTP’s childlike enthusiasm and genuine interest in the health and direction of the relationship makes them willing and able to promote healthy, growing relationships with their significant others. They need to watch out for their tendency to be unaware of what others are feeling, and to inadvertantly neglect their relationships when faced with exciting possibilities that are external to their personal life.

Although two well-developed individuals of any type can enjoy a healthy relationship, ENTP’s natural partner is the INFJ, or the INTJ. The ENTP’s dominant function of Extraverted Intuition is best matched with a personality that is dominated by Introverted Intuition. How did we arrive at this?

ENTPs as Parents

“You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth…
Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.” — Kahlil Gibran

With their fun and upbeat natures, there’s a little bit of kid inside all ENTPs. They approach parenthood with a fun-loving attitude which has a serious underlying goal: to make everything a learning exercise (for themselves as well as for their children) which promotes the child’s growth into an independent, logical thinker.

The ENTP is likely to be somewhat inconsistent about spending quality time with their children. One minute they will exhibit a lot of interest and enthusiasm towards being around their kids, and will display a great deal of affection for them. However, as soon as they get caught-up in one of their grand schemes for improving a system somewhere, they’re likely to inadvertantly neglect their kids.

ENTPs as Friends

ENTPs can get along with almost all other types of people. They are intuitive about what makes others tick, although they generally lack the ability to sympathize or relate to others who do not see things the same way as the ENTP. They are flexible and easy-going, and genuinely enjoy interacting with others.

Although the ENTP is able to get along with a wide variety of people, they are likely to choose to surround themselves with people who are intelligent, capable, and idea-oriented. They love nothing better than engaging in a good debate with someone who can hold their end of the conversation. This will stimulate and energize the ENTP, who is highly competitive and loves to discuss theories.

Sometimes the ENTP falls into the habit of practicing “one-upmanship”. If this goes unchecked, it may cause a problem with friendships and close interpersonal relationships.

INTP
INTP Relationships

INTPs live rich worlds inside their minds, which are full of imagination and excitement. Consequently, they sometimes find the external world pales in comparison. This may result in a lack of motivation to form and maintain relationships. INTPs are not likely to have a very large circle of significant relationships in their lives. They’re much more likely to have a few very close relationships, which they hold in great esteem and with great affection. Since the INTP’s primary focus and attention is turned inwards, aimed towards seeking clarity from abstract ideas, they are not naturally tuned into others’ emotional feelings and needs. They tend to be difficult to get to know well, and hold back parts of themselves until the other person has proven themselves “worthy” of hearing the INTP’s thoughts. Holding Knowledge and Brain Power above all else in importance, the INTP will choose to be around people who they consider to be intelligent. Once the INTP has committed themself to a relationship, they tend to be very faithful and loyal, and form affectionate attachments which are pure and straight-forward. The INTP has no interest or understanding of game-playing with regards to relationships. However, if something happens which the INTP considers irreconciliable, they will leave the relationship and not look back.

INTP Strengths

They feel love and affection for those close to them which is almost childlike in its purity
Generally laid-back and easy-going, willing to defer to their mates
Approach things which interest them very enthusiastically
Richly imaginative and creative
Do not feel personally threatened by conflict or criticism
Usually are not demanding, with simple daily needs
INTP Weaknesses

Not naturally in tune with others’ feelings; slow to respond to emotional needs
Not naturally good at expressing their own feelings and emotions
Tend to be suspicious and distrusting of others
Not usually good at practical matters, such as money management, unless their work involves these concerns
They have difficulty leaving bad relationships
Tend to “blow off” conflict situations by ignoring them, or else they “blow up” in heated anger
INTPs as Lovers

“To love means to open ourselves to the negative as well as the positive – to grief, sorrow, and disappointment as well as to joy, fulfillment, and an intensity of consciousness we did not know was possible before.” — Rollo May
INTPs approach their intimate relationships quite seriously – as they approach most things in life. They take their vows and commitments seriously, and are usually faithful and loyal. They are usually pretty easy to live with and be around, because they have simple daily needs and are not overly demanding of their partners in almost any respect. While the INTP’s internal life is highly theoretical and complex, their external life in comparison is usually quite simple. They like to keep the complexities of their external world to a minimum, so that they can focus their brain power on working through their theories internally. This makes them very straight-forward, honest lovers, with a love that is quite pure in its simple, uncomplicated nature.

Although they choose to keep things straight-forward in their relationships, this does not mean that the INTP is lacking in depth of feeling or passion. The INTP is very creative person, who has vivid imaginations. They can be very excitable and passionate about their love relationships. Sometimes, they have a problem reconciling the exciting visions of their internal worlds with the actuality of their external circumstances.

Sexually, the INTP usually approaches intimacy with enthusiasm and excitement. Some INTPs play down entirely the need for sexual relations in their lives, but most use their rich imaginations and child-like enthusiasm to make the most of the moment. The INTP will usually be experiencing the moment with vivid intensity inside their own minds, although this may or may not be apparent to their partner.

The largest area of potential strife in an INTP’s intimate relationship is their slowness in understanding and meeting their partner’s emotional needs. The INTP may be extremely dedicated to the relationship, and deeply in love with their partner, but may have no understanding of their mate’s emotional life, and may not express their own feelings often or well. When the INTP does express themselves, it’s likely to be in their own way at their own time, rather than in response to their partner’s needs. If this is an issue which has caused serious problems in a relationship, the INTP should work on becoming more aware of their partner’s feelings, and their partner should work on not requiring explicit positive affirmation to feel loved by the INTP.

INTPs do not like to deal with messy complications, such as interpersonal conflict, and so they may fall into the habit of ignoring conflict when it occurs. If they feel they must face the conflict, they’re likely to approach it from an analytical perspective. This may aggravate the conflict situation, if their partner simply wants to feel that they are supported and loved. Most people (and especially those with the Feeling preference) simply want to be encouraged, affirmed and supported when they are upset. The INTP should practice meeting these needs in conflict situations.

Although two well-developed individuals of any type can enjoy a healthy relationship, the INTP’s natural partner is the ENTJ, or the ESTJ. The INTP’s dominant function of Introverted Thinking is best matched with a partner whose personality is dominated by Extraverted Thinking. The INTP/ENTJ match is ideal, because these types shared Intuition as a common way of perceiving the world, but INTP/ESTJ is also a good match. How did we arrive at this?

INTPs as Parents

“You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth…
Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.” — Kahlil Gibran
INTPs love and respect Knowledge, and want to pass their jewels of thought down to their children. Their greatest goal and satisfaction as a parent is seeing their children grow into independent, rational adults.

INTP parents are likely to encourage their children to grow as individuals, rather than attempt to fit them into a preconceived mold. They will stress autonomy through the children’s growth. They’re likely to respect their children’s opinions and wishes, and allow their children to have a voice and presence in the family.

The INTP parents are likely to be pretty laid-back and flexible with their children, sometimes to the point of being relatively “hands-off” with regards to the day-to-day issues. They’re likely to count on their spouse for providing structure and schedules. Since the INTP themself does not live in an overly structured or organized manner, they’re not likely to expect or create this environment for their children. If their spouse is not someone with the “J” preference, their children may suffer from a lack of boundaries. This is something the INTP should pay special attention to. Growing children don’t know Right from Wrong, and so benefit from having their parents define these boundaries for them.

In spite of their relatively unstructured approach to parenting, INTPs take their role as parent very seriously, and are likely to put forth much effort into doing what they feel will be most effective in helping their children grow into independent, wise adults. INTPs enjoy parenting, and get a lot of fun out of their children. They’re also likely to be very proud and loyal parents.

INTPs may have a problem meeting the emotional needs of their children. Although they generally are deeply caring and supportive individuals, the INTP does not always pick up on emotional clues. A troubled child of an unaware INTP parent may have to result to drastic “attention-getting” tactics to get their parent to understand their emotional difficulties. If you find yourself in this situation, you may find that expressing some of your own emotions will do wonders for your child, yourself, and your relationship. Although it may not be possible for you to suddenly be “tuned in” on what your children are feeling, at least you can let them know that you care.

Children of INTP parents generally remember them respectfully and affectionately as loyal, fair, and tolerant parents, who care for them a great deal, although they don’t often show it.

INTPs as Friends

INTPs are likely to have friends who share their interests and pursuits. Since the INTP loves theories, ideas, and concepts, they are not likely to have much patience or understanding for people with the Sensing preference, who are not usually comfortable with abstract conceptualizing.

ENFJ

ENFJ Relationships

ENFJs put a lot of effort and enthusiasm into their relationships. To some extent, the ENFJ defines themself by the closeness and authenticity of their personal relationships, and are therefore highly invested in the business of relationships. They have very good people skills, and are affectionate and considerate. They are warmly affirming and nurturing. The excel at bringing out the best in others, and warmly supporting them. They want responding affirmation from their relationships, although they have a problem asking for it. When a situation calls for it, the ENFJ will become very sharp and critical. After having made their point, they will return to their natural, warm selves. They may have a tendency to “smother” their loved ones, but are generally highly valued for their genuine warmth and caring natures.

ENFJ Strengths

Most ENFJs will exhibit the following strengths with regards to relationship issues:

Good verbal communication skills
Very perceptive about people’s thoughts and motives
Motivational, inspirational; bring out the best in others
Warmly affectionate and affirming
Fun to be with – lively sense of humor, dramatic, energetic, optimistic
Good money skills
Able to “move on” after a love relationship has failed (although they blame themselves)
Loyal and committed – they want lifelong relationships
Strive for “win-win” situations
Driven to meet other’s needs
ENFJ Weaknesses

Most ENFJs will exhibit the following weaknesses with regards to relationships issues:

Tendency to be smothering and over-protective
Tendency to be controling and/or manipulative
Don’t pay enough attention to their own needs
Tend to be critical of opinions and attitudes which don’t match their own
Sometimes unaware of social appropriateness or protocol
Extremely sensitive to conflict, with a tendency to sweep things under the rug as an avoidance tactic
Tendency to blame themselves when things go wrong, and not give themselves credit when things go right
Their sharply defined value systems make them unbending in some areas
They may be so attuned to what is socially accepted or expected that they’re unable to assess whether something is “right” or “wrong” outside of what their social circle expects.
ENFJs as Lovers

“To love means to open ourselves to the negative as well as the positive – to grief, sorrow, and disappointment as well as to joy, fulfillment, and an intensity of consciousness we did not know was possible before.” — Rollo May

ENFJs make warm, committed lovers who are willing to go to great lengths for the sake of “The Relationship”. They’re totally dedicated to the relationship, and to their partner, and have a special skill for warmth and affirmation which brings out the best in their mates. They take their commitments seriously, and are likely to put forth a lot of effort into making a relationship work once they have commited themselves to it. In the event that a relationship fails, the ENFJ will feel a lot of guilt, and take on blame for the failure, but they will move on with their lives with relative ease, without looking backwards.
Since relationships are central to the ENFJ’s life, they will be very “hands on” and involved with their intimate relationships. They may be in the habit of constantly asking their partner how they’re doing, what they’re feeling, etc. This behavior may be a bit smothering, but it also supports a strong awareness of the health (or illness) of the relationship.

Sexually, the ENFJ looks forward to intimacy as an opportunity to express love and caring. The ENFJ is generally very interested in the happiness and satisfaction of their partner. Because they achieve much of their personal satisfaction from making others happy, they’re likely to be skilled lovers. Like other Judgers, the ENFJ is likely to follow a schedule for intimacy, and may be prone to becoming routinized. For the ENFJ, the most important aspect of a sexual encounter is the affirmation of love and affection.

Although the ENFJ will probably not ask for it, they need to be given sweet words and loving affirmation. Since they are so externally focused on serving people, they do not always pay attention to their own needs. Since much of their personal satisfaction comes from bringing happiness to others, they’re able to ignore their own needs and still be happy much more easily than other types. However, if they focus entirely on giving without doing some taking, they may find themselves in an unhealthy, unbalanced relationship. They need to work on being aware of their needs, and being OK with verbalizing those needs to their partners.

A problem area for ENFJs in relationships is their very serious dislike of conflict. ENFJs will prefer to brush issues under the rug rather than confront them head-on, if there is likely to be a conflict. They are also likely to “give in” easily in conflict situations, just to end the conflict. They might agree to something which goes against their values just to end the uncomfortable situation. In such cases, the problem is extended and will return at a later time. The ENFJ needs to realize that the world will not end if there is a disagreement, and that dealing with things immediately initiates closure. Ignoring issues will not make them go away.

In general, the ENFJ is intensely and enthusiastically involved in their personal relationships. They bring fun and warmth into the equation, and are willing to work hard to make things work.

Although two well-developed individuals of any type can enjoy a healthy relationship, ENFJ’s natural partner is the INFP, or the ISFP. ENFJ’s dominant function of Extraverted Feeling is best matched with a partner whose dominant function is Introverted Feeling. An ENFJ and INFP are ideally matched, because they share the Intuitive way of looking at the world, but the ENFJ and ISFP are also a very good match. How did we arrive at this?

ENFJs as Parents

“You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth…
Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.” — Kahlil Gibran

ENFJs take their parenting role very seriously. They consider the task of passing on values and goals to their children as paramount, and will strive to consistently be a good role model to their children. The ENFJ considers it their responsibility to make sure that their children turn out well. This characteristic, combined with the ENFJ’s definite values and ideas about the way things should be, usually results in the ENFJ parent being rather strict, and having high expectations for the behavior of their children. On the other hand, the ENFJ is also warm and affectionate with their children, and very supportive and affirming. The ENFJ can also be counted on to take care of day-to-day necessities for their children.

It is not usually easy to be the child of an ENFJ. The ENFJ’s life focus is centered in the sphere of relationships. They take their relationship roles very seriously. They are very “hands-on” in relationships, always monitoring it’s progress. This behavior may be smothering to some individuals. ENFJs have very definite value systems, and well-defined ideas about what is right and what is wrong. Since they believe that part of their parental role involves passing their values and ideas to their children, and since they are so concerned and involved with their children, the ENFJ has a tendency to be a strict, controling parent, who is very aware of their children’s actions. The ENFJ needs to remember to allow their children the room for growth which is necessary if they are to evolve into healthy, well-adjusted adults. With a bit of effort, it will be possible for the ENFJ to balance their need to pass their values and ideals down to their children with their children’s need to develop as individuals.

The ENFJ will put forth a good amount of effort to make their children’s home environment warm, comforting and cheerful. They will be ready with a kiss and a baid-aid for any hurt. Their normal attitude towards their children will be loyal, proud, warm, and affirming.

As is the case with most types, ENFJ parents may have problems with their children as they reach puberty. Their children will need more space at that age, and will begin to resent the over-protective tendencies of the ENFJ. This problem will be magnified in situations where the ENFJ is very manipulative. Since ENFJs are gifted with exceptional people skills and personal presence, some ENFJ individuals who are not supported by life’s circumstances get into the habit of using these skills for personal gain to get what they want or need out of situations. As they grow older, their children will inevitably see the manipulative tendencies for what they are, and will begin to question their parents’ value systems, and strongly resent being forced to comply with a set of values which may be somewhat hippocritical. The manipulative ENFJ, who still has strongly-held values which they are driven to pass to their children, may then find themselves “a day late and a dollar short”. As an ENFJ, your best bet is to be aware of your type’s manipulative tendancies and to make every effort that you are not using them in a negative way.

Usually, the ENFJ has nothing but the best intentions with regards to their children. They are remembered by their children as very warm and supportive (although strict), and are valued for passing on their goals and ideals.

ENFJs as Friends

ENFJs are warm, sociable people who are keenly in tune with other people’s feelings and perspectives. They enjoy supporting and bringing out the best in others. They are energetic and fun to be with. They seek authenticity in their close relationships, and are very sensitive to the needs of others. All of these characteristics make the ENFJ valued by their peers as a warm, supportive and giving friend.

ENFJs are interested in all sorts of people, and are likely to be able to understand and relate to all of the personality types. The will excel at getting along with all sorts of people when the situation demands that they do so. However, they will not choose to spend their personal time around all of the types. They may resist spending a lot of time with Sensing Perceiving types, whose carefree “live for the moment” attitude may conflict with the ENFJ’s strongly held value system. When seeking companionship that is not romantic, ENFJs will be drawn to other Feelers who have similar values and ideas. Since they live in a people-oriented world, they are not comfortable with objective judgments which do not consider people issues. Consequently, ENFJs are not likely to have close friendships with strong Thinking types. They will be likely to especially enjoy the company of other iNtuitive Feelers, as well as Sensing Judgers.

INFJ
INFJ Relationships

INFJs are warm and affirming people who are usually also deep and complex. They’re likely to seek out and promote relationships that are intense and meaningful. They tend to be perfectionists, and are always striving for the Ultimate Relationship. For the most part, this is a positive feature, but sometimes works against the INFJ if they fall into the habit of moving from relationship to relationship, always in search of a more perfect partner. In general, the INFJ is a deeply warm and caring person who is highly invested in the health of their close relationships, and puts forth a lot of effort to make them positive. They are valued by those close to them for these special qualities. They seek long-term, lifelong relationships, although they don’t always find them.

INFJ Strengths

Warm and affirming by nature
Dedicated to achieving the ultimate relationship
Sensitive and concerned for others’ feelings
Usually have good communication skills, especially written
Take their commitments very seriously, and seek lifelong relationships
Have very high expectations for themselves and others (both a strength and weakness)
Good listeners
Are able to move on after a relationship has ended (once they’re sure it’s over)
INFJ Weaknesses

Tendency to hold back part of themselves
Not good with money or practical day-to-day life necessities
Extreme dislike of conflict and criticism
Have very high expectations for themselves and others (both a strength and weakness)
Have difficulty leaving a bad relationship
INFJs as Lovers

“To love means to open ourselves to the negative as well as the positive – to grief, sorrow, and disappointment as well as to joy, fulfillment, and an intensity of consciousness we did not know was possible before.” — Rollo May
INFJs are warm, considerate partners who feel great depth of love for their partners. They enjoy showing this love, and want to receive affirmation back from their mates.

They are perfectionists, constantly striving to achieve the Perfect Relationship. This can sometimes be frustrating to their mates, who may feel put upon by the INFJs demanding perfectionism. However, it may also be greatly appreciated, because it indicates a sincere commitment to the relationship, and a depth of caring which is not usually present in other types.

Sexually, INFJs view intimacy as a nearly spiritual experience. They embrace the opportunity to bond heart and soul with their mates. As service-oriented individuals, it’s very important to them that their mates are happy. Intimacy is an opportunity for the INFJ to selflessly give their love, and experience it in a tangible way.

Although two well-developed individuals of any type can enjoy a healthy relationship, INFJ’s natural partner is the ENTP, or the ENFP. INFJ’s dominant function of Introverted Intuition is best matched with a personality type that is dominated by Extraverted Intuition. How did we arrive at this?

INFJs as Parents

“You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth…
Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.” — Kahlil Gibran
INFJs usually make warm and caring parents. Their goal is to help their children become adults who know the difference between right and wrong, and who are independent, growth-oriented individuals.

Along the path to that goal they are generally very warm and caring, and are likely to treat their children as individuals who have a voice in family decisions. They want their children to be able to think for themselves, and make the right decisions. They also can be quite demanding on their children, and may have very high expectations for their behavior. Although they are generally soft-spoken and gentle, they may become stubborn and sharp-tongued at times when their expectations aren’t met, or when under a lot of stress.

INFJs take their parenting role with ultimate seriousness. They will make sacrifices for the sake of their children without a second thought, and without remorse. Passing on their values to their children is a serious priority in their lives. Children of INFJs remember their parents fondly as warm, patient, and inspirational.

INFJs as Friends

Although the INFJ is likely to put friends behind their God and their families in terms of importance, they do value their friendships. As idealists who have strong value systems, INFJs seek authenticity and depth in their close relationships, and especially value people who can see and appreciate the INFJ for who they are and what they stand for.

The INFJ is likely to spend a lot of time socialing with family members. If they are religious, they probably are social with members of their religious community. After that, the INFJ may have friends represented from any of the personality types. They are usually extremely intuitive individuals, who will have no patience for anyone they feel is dishonest or corrupt. They’ll have no interest in being around these kinds of people.

All kinds of people are drawn towards the INFJ. They are usually quite popular, although they may be unaware of it themselves, because they don’t place a lot of importance on it.

The INFJ is valued by their close friends for their warmth and consideration, their new and interesting ways of looking at things, and for their ability to inspire and motivate others to be the best that they can be.

ENFP

ENFP Relationships

ENFPs take their relationships very seriously, but also approach them with a childlike enthusiasm and energy. They seek and demand authenticity and depth in their personal relationships, and will put forth a lot of effort into making things work out. They are warm, considerate, affirming, nurturing, and highly invested in the health of the relationship. They have excellent interpersonal skills, and are able to inspire and motivate others to be the best that they can be. Energetic and effervescent, the ENFP is sometimes smothering in their enthusiasm, but are generally highly valued for their genuine warmth and high ideals.

ENFP Strengths

Most ENFPs will exhibit the following strengths with regards to relationships issues:

Good communication skills
Very perceptive about people’s thought and motives
Motivational, inspirational; bring out the best in others
Warmly affectionate and affirming
Fun to be with – lively sense of humor, dramatic, energetic, optimistic
Strive for “win-win” situations
Driven to meet other’s needs
Usually loyal and dedicated
ENFP Weaknesses

Most ENFPs will exhibit the following weaknesses with regards to relationship issues:

Tendency to be smothering
Their enthusiasm may lead them to be unrealistic
Uninterested in dealing with “mundane” matters such as cleaning, paying bills, etc.
Hold onto bad relationships long after they’ve turned bad
Extreme dislike of conflict
Extreme dislike of criticism
Don’t pay attention to their own needs
Constant quest for the perfect relationship may make them change relationships frequently
May become bored easily
Have difficulty scolding or punishing others
ENFPs as Lovers

“To love means to open ourselves to the negative as well as the positive – to grief, sorrow, and disappointment as well as to joy, fulfillment, and an intensity of consciousness we did not know was possible before.” — Rollo May

ENFPs make warm, considerate, passionate partners who are generally willing, eager, and able to do whatever it takes to make The Relationship a positive place to be. They are enthusiastic, idealistic, focused on other people’s feelings, and very flexible. These attributes combine to make them especially interested in positive personal relationships, and also makes them very able to promote strong relationships in fun and creative ways. ENFPs take their commitments very seriously, and are generally deeply loyal and faithful to their partners.

There are a couple of difficult relationship areas for the ENFP. The first problem is that many ENFPs have a problem leaving bad relationships. They tend to internalize any problems and take them on their own shoulders, believing that the success or failure of the relationship is their own responsibility. As perfectionists, they don’t like to admit defeat, and will stick with bad situations long after they should have left. When they do leave the relationship, they will believe that the failure was their fault, and that there was surely something they could have done to save the relationship.

On the entirely other end of the spectrum, many ENFPs have a difficult time staying focused and following things through to completion. If they have not focused on their ability to follow through, they may have problems staying in dedicated, monogamous relationships. They are so in tune with all of the exciting possibilities of what could be, that they will always fantasize about a greener pasture out there somewhere. If they are not paired with a partner who enjoys new experiences, or who shares their idealistic enthusiasm, the ENFP may become bored. The ENFP who is bored and who is not focused will be very unhappy, and will eventually “leave” the relationship if the problem is not addressed.

Since relationships are central to the ENFP’s life, they will be very “hands on” and involved with their intimate relationships. They may be in the habit of constantly asking their partner how they’re doing, what they’re feeling, etc. This behavior may be a bit smothering, but it also supports a strong awareness of the health (or illness) of the relationship.

Sexually, The ENFP is creative, perfectionistic, playful and affectionate. Their rich fantasy world makes them fun and creative lovers, who usually have new ideas up their sleeves. They whole-heartedly embrace the opportunity for closeness with their mates, believing sexual intimacy to be a positive, fun way to express how much you love each other.

The ENFP needs to be given positive assurance and affirmation. More than one ENFP has been known to “go fishing” for compliments. They like to hear from their significant others that they are loved and valued, and are willing and eager to return the favor. They enjoy lavishing love and affection on their mates, and are creative and energetic in their efforts to please. The ENFP gets a lot of their personal satisfaction from observing the happiness of others, and so is generally determined to please and serve their partners.

A problem area for ENFPs in relationships is their dislike of conflict and sensitivity to criticism. They are perfectionists who believe that any form of criticism is a stab at their character, which is very difficult for them to take. Conflict situations are sources of extreme stress to the ENFP. They have a tendency to brush issues under the rug rather than confront them head-on, if there is likely to be a conflict. They are also prone to “give in” easily in conflict situations, just to end the conflict. They might agree to something which goes against their values just to end the uncomfortable situation. In such cases, the problem is extended and will return at a later time. The ENFP needs to realize that conflict situations are not the end of the world. They are entirely normal, and can be quite helpful for the growth of a relationship. They also need to work on taking criticism for what it is, rather than blowing up any negative comment into an indictment against their entire character.

Generally, the ENFP is a warm and affirming creature who is very interested and able to have an intense, meaningful, close relationship with their mate.

Although two well-developed individuals of any type can enjoy a healthy relationship, ENFP’s natural partner is the INTJ, or the INFJ. ENFP’s dominant function of Extraverted Intuition is best matched with a partner whose dominant function is Introverted Intuition. How did we arrive at this?

ENFPs as Parents

“You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth…
Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.” — Kahlil Gibran

ENFPs take their parenting role very seriously, but are also very playful. There’s a bit of grown-up kid in every ENFP, so they get a lot of fun and enjoyment from playing with their children. However, they consider it essential to pass their strongly-held values and beliefs down to their children, and will strive consistently to create a positive, ideal environment for their children’s growth.

The ENFP may exhibit an inconsistency in their roles with their children. At one moment, they might be their child’s best friend, laughing and whooping it up, and in the next moment they may appear the stern authoritarian. This inconsistency seems to be a result of a conflict between the ENFP’s genuine desire to relate to their children on the children’s level, and their compulsion to follow their deeply-felt value system. In other words, the ENFP wants to be their child’s friend, but if a value is violated, they will revert to the parental role to make sure their children understand the violation. This inconsistency may be confusing and frustrating for the children.

The children of ENFPs generally feel loved, because the ENFP gives their children plenty of genuine warmth and support. They usually value their children as individuals, allowing them room for growth. The ENFP’s enthusiasm and affection may at times seem smothering to their children. This will be especially true for children with strong Thinking or Sensing preferences, who will have a difficult time understanding the effervescence of the ENFP, and will feel at times embarassed by the ENFP’s enthusiasm and tendency to display their affection publicly.

The ENFP is able to take care of day-to-day necessities, such as picking children up at the correct times, getting them to softball practice, getting them fed, etc. However, it is a chore for the ENFP and is not a natural strength. The ENFP also has a difficult time disciplining their children, unless a very strongly-held value has been violated.

The rich imagination and creativity of the ENFP parent creates a fun, dynamic and exciting environment for kids. The ENFP’s strong value system turns experiences into meaningful lessons for their children. The ENFP parent is valued by their children for their warm, affirming natures, and their fun-loving approach to living.

ENFPs as Friends

ENFPs are warm and sociable people who are keenly in tune with other people’s feelings and perspectives. They are energetic and fun to be with. They are very affirming, and get great satisfaction from supporting and lifting up others. They are idealists who seek authenticity in their personal relationships. ENFPs are valued by their peers and confidantes as warm, supportive, giving people.

In the workplace or other casual relationship environments, the ENFP is likely to get along well with almost all other types of people. ENFPs are genuinely interested in people, and are highly perceptive about them, to the point where they’re able to understand and relate to all of the personality types with relative ease. They like to see the best in others, and are likely to bring out the best in others. While they are generally accepting of most all people, ENFPs with strong Feeling preferences may have a difficult time understanding people with very strong Thinking preferences who do not respond to the ENFP’s enthusiastic warmth. The ENFP will stay open-minded about what they consider a “rejection” by the Thinker, until the situation has repeated itself a few times, in which case the ENFP may shut themselves entirely against the Thinker.

ENFPs may also feel threatened by individuals with strong Judging preferences. With a tendency to take any criticism personally, the ENFP may find themselves irritated or emotional when the Judger expresses a negative opinion, believing somehow that the Judger is expressing disapproval or disappointment in the ENFP.

For close friendships, ENFPs are especially drawn to other iNtuitive Feeling types, and to other Extraverts who are also enthusiastic about life. Like the other iNtuitive Feeling types, the ENFP needs authenticity and depth in their close relationships. They’re likely to have friends from all walks of life who they feel close to and care about, but will have only a few very close friends with similar ideals to their own. The ENFP also tends to value the company of iNtuitive Thinkers.

INFP

INFP Relationships

INFPs present a calm, pleasant face to the world. They appear to be tranquil and peaceful to others, with simple desires. In fact, the INFP internally feels his or her life intensely. In the relationship arena, this causes them to have a very deep capacity for love and caring which is not frequently found with such intensity in the other types. INFPs do not share their intensity of feeling with anyone; they tend to be reserved about expressing their inner-most feelings, and reserve their deepest love and caring for a select few. INFPs are generally laid-back, supportive and nurturing in their close relationships. With Introverted Feeling dominating their personality, they’re very sensitive and in-tune with people’s feelings, and feel genuine concern and caring for others. Slow to trust others and cautious in the beginning of a relationship, an INFP will be fiercely loyal once they are committed. With their strong inner core of values, they are intense individuals who value depth and authenticity in their relationships, and hold those who understand and accept the INFP’s perspectives in especially high regard. INFPs are usually adaptable and congenial, unless one of their ruling principles has been violated, in which case they stop adapting and become staunch defenders of their values. They will be uncharacteristically harsh and rigid in such a situation.

INFP Strengths

Most INFPs will exhibit the following strengths with regards to relationship issues:

Warmly concerned and caring towards others
Sensitive and perceptive about what others are feeling
Loyal and committed – they want lifelong relationships
Deep capacity for love and caring
Driven to meet other’s needs
Strive for “win-win” situations
Nurturing, supportive and encouraging
Likely to recognize and appreciate other’s need for space
Able to express themselves well
Flexible and diverse
INFP Weaknesses

Most INFPs will exhibit the following weaknesses with regards to relationship issues:

May tend to be shy and reserved
Don’t like to have their “space” invaded
Extreme dislike of conflict
Extreme dislike of criticism
Strong need to receive praise and positive affirmation
May react very emotionally to stressful situations
Have difficulty leaving a bad relationship
Have difficulty scolding or punishing others
Tend to be reserved about expressing their feelings
Perfectionistic tendancies may cause them to not give themselves enough credit
Tendency to blame themselves for problems, and hold everything on their own shoulders
INFPs as Lovers

“To love means to open ourselves to the negative as well as the positive – to grief, sorrow, and disappointment as well as to joy, fulfillment, and an intensity of consciousness we did not know was possible before.” — Rollo May
INFPs feel tremendous loyalty and commitment to their relationships. With the Feeling preference dominating their personality, harmony and warm feelings are central to the INFP’s being. They feel a need to be in a committed, loving relationship. If they are not involved in such a relationship, the INFP will be either actively searching for one, or creating one in their own minds.

INFPs’ tendency to be idealistic and romantically-minded may cause them to fantasize frequently about a “more perfect” relationship or situation. They may also romanticize their mates into having qualities which they do not actually possess. Most INFPs have a problem with reconciling their highly idealistic and romantic views of life with the reality of their own lives, and so they are constantly somewhat unsettled with themselves and with their close personal relationships. However, the INFP’s deeply-felt, sincere love for their mates and their intense dislike of conflict keeps the INFP loyal to their relationships, in spite of their troubles achieving peace of mind.

Unlike other types who tend to hold their mates up on a pedastal, the INFP’s tendency to do so does not really turn into a negative thing in the relationship. INFPs hold tightly to their ideals, and work hard at constantly seeing their mates up on that pedastal. The frequent INFP result is a strongly affirming, proud and affectionate attitude towards their mates which stands the test of time.

INFPs are not naturally interested in administrative matters such as bill-paying and house-cleaning, but they can be very good at performing these tasks when they must. They can be really good money managers when they apply themselves.

Sexually, the INFP is likely to be initially slow to open up to their mates. Once their trust has been earned, the INFP will view sexual intimacy as an opportunity for expressing their deep-seated love and affection. More than the actual sexual act, they will value giving and receiving love and sweet words. With their tendency to enjoy serving others, they may value their mates satisfaction above their own.

One real problem area for the INFP is their intensive dislike of conflict and criticism. The INFP is quick to find a personal angle in any critical comment, whether or not anything personal was intended. They will tend to take any sort of criticism as a personal attack on their character, and will usually become irrational and emotional in such situations. This can be a real problem for INFPs who are involved with persons who have Thinking and Judging preferences. “TJ”s relate to others with a objective, decisive attitude that frequently shows an opinion on the topic of conversation. If the opinion is negative, the TJ’s attitude may be threatening to the INFP, who will tend to respond emotionally to the negativity and be vaguely but emphatically convinced that the negativity is somehow the INFP’s fault.

For INFPs with extremely dominant Feeling preferences who have not developed their Intuitive sides sufficiently to gather good data for their decision making processes, their dislike of conflict and criticism can foretell doom and gloom for intimate relationships. These INFPs will react with extreme emotional distress to conflict situations, and will not know what to do about it. Since they will have no basis for determining what action to take, they will do whatever they can to get rid of the conflict – which frequently means lashing out irrationally at others, or using guilt manipulation to get their mates to give them the positive support that they crave. This kind of behavior does not bode well for healthy, long-term relationships. Individuals who recognize this tendency in themselves should work on their ability to take criticism objectively rather than personally. They should also try to remember that conflict situations are not always their fault, and they’re definitely not the end of the world. Conflict is a fact of life, and facing it and addressing it immediately avoids having to deal with it in the future, after it has become a much larger problem.

INFPs are very aware of their own space, and the space of others. They value their personal space, and the freedom to do their own thing. They will cherish the mate who sees the INFP for who they are, and respects their unique style and perspectives. The INFP is not likely to be overly jealous or possessive, and is likely to respect their mate’s privacy and independence. In fact, the INFP is likely to not only respect their mate’s perspectives and goals, but to support them with loyal firmness.

In general, INFPs are warmly affirming and loving partners who make the health of their relationships central in their lives. Although cautious in the beginning, they become firmly loyal to their committed relationships, which are likely to last a lifetime. They take their relationships very seriously, and will put forth a great deal of effort into making them work.

Although two well-developed individuals of any type can enjoy a healthy relationship, INFP’s natural partner is the ENFJ, or the ESFJ. INFP’s dominant function of Introverted Feeling is best matched with a partner whose dominant function is Extraverted Feeling. The INFP/ENFJ combination is ideal, because it shares the Intuiting way of perceiving, but the INFP/ESFJ combination is also a good match. How did we arrive at this?

INFPs as Parents

“You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth…
Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.” — Kahlil Gibran
INFPs are “natural” parents. They accept and enjoy the parental role, seeing it as the natural extension of their value systems. They make use of the parental role for developing and defining their values further, and consider it their task to pass their values on to their children. They take their role quite seriously. Warm, affirming, and flexible, the INFP generally makes a gentle and easy-going parent in many respects.

INFPs do not like conflict situations, and will keep themselves flexible and diverse to promote a positive, conflict-free environment in their home. The INFP is not naturally prone to dole out punishment or discipline, and so is likely to adapt to their mate’s disciplinary policy, or to rely on their mates to administer discipline with the children. In the absence of a mating parent, the INFP will need to make a conscious effort of creating a structure for their children to live within.

Although the INFP dislikes punishing others, they hold strong values and will not tolerate the violation of a strongly-held belief. If they feel that their child has truly committed a wrong, the INFP parent will not have a problem administering discipline. They will directly confront the child, stubbornly digging in their heels and demanding recourse.

The INFP parent is likely to value their children as individuals, and to give them room for growth. They will let the children have their own voice and place in the family.

Extremely loving and devoted parents, INFPs will fiercely protect and support their children. If there is an issue involving “taking sides”, you can bet the INFP will always be loyal to their children.

INFPs are usually remembered by their children as loving, patient, devoted, and flexible parents.

INFPs as Friends

INFPs are warm and caring individuals who highly value authenticity and depth in their personal relationships. They are usually quite perceptive about other people’s feelings and motives, and are consequently able to get along with all sorts of different people. However, the INFP will keep their true selves reserved from others except for a select few, with whom they will form close and lasting friendships. With their high ideals, they are likely to be drawn to other iNtuitive Feelers for their closer friendships.

With their strong need for harmony and dislike of conflict, INFPs may feel threatened by people with strong Judging and Thinking preferences. Although they’re likely to be able to work well professionally with such individuals, they may have difficulty accepting or appreciating them on a personal level. They generally feel a kinship and affinity with other Feeling types.

INFPs will be valued by their confidantes as genuine, altruistic, deep, caring, original individuals.

Personality Traits Affect

Do Your Personality Traits Affect Your Relationship?

So in your relationship is it a matter of “opposites attract” or “birds of a feather”?

The question of whether similar or dissimilar personality traits are a source of romantic attraction and marital satisfaction has been debated for years.

There are those who propose a complementarity hypothesis claiming that partners may be more satisfied with those who differ with them on certain

personality traits because these partners complement them or offer what they don’t have: she is a thinker; he is a doer.
Reflecting this sentiment, Tim Lahaye in his book Opposites Attract maintains that people with similar temperaments never marry

because like temperaments repel — they don’t attract.

Similarly, Harville Hendrix, author of Getting the Love You Want, proposes that

“There’s a polarity in the universe physically that is also reflected in relationships, especially when it comes to personality traits.

So a high-energy person will be attracted to a low-energy person …

Incompatibility makes for a dynamic, powerful, growing, exciting relationship.”

Disagreeing with this, authors Scott Lililenfeld, Steven Lynn, John Ruscio, and Barry Beyerstein describe “Opposites Attract:

We Are Romantically Attracted to People Who Differ From Us” as one of the 50 Great Myths of Popular Psychology in their 2010 book by that title.

These authors contend that most studies demonstrate that people with similar personality traits are more likely to be attracted to each other.

This similarity-attraction hypothesis seems to hold up across characteristics as physical attractiveness, attachment style,

political and religious attitudes, socio-economic background, and level of education, according to Pieternal Dijkstra in his 2008 article “Do People Know what they Want: A Similar or Complementary Partner?”
So do opposites or similarities cause attraction and satisfaction? Maybe both.
A 2007 study reported in the Psychology and Aging by Michelle Shiota and Robert Levenson entitled

“Birds of a Feather Don’t Always Fly Farthest,” sheds some light on this.
This study examined the relationship of similarity in The “Big Five Personality Factors” for couples across the years.

The Big Five Personality Traits include:
▪ Openness to Experience (has wide interests, imaginative, insightful) vs. Close-minded
▪ Conscientious (organized, thorough, planful) vs. Disorganized
▪ Extroverted (talkative, energetic, assertive) vs. Introverted
▪ Agreeable (sympathetic, kind, affectionate) vs. Disagreeable
▪ Nervous (tense, moody, anxious) vs. Calm and Relaxed
The surprising finding is that whereas similarity of these personality traits results in more marital satisfaction in the early years,

the “birds of a feather” couples with similar traits report less satisfaction in the middle and later years. Why?
The authors suggest that when couples are in their 20s, 40s, and 60s, relationship goals,

life changes and external demands actually call forth a different balance of needs and a different valuing of similar and opposite personality traits.

Couples in the early years with the goals of connection, intimacy, and mutual dreams are fueled by similar traits, the feeling of “getting each other,” of enjoying the similarity of perspective and temperament. Basically, connection as a couple works easier when both are open to new and different experiences or, conversely, when both like the comfort of not having to go anywhere; when both are talkative and can’t get enough of socializing, or both prefer the table for two.
Couples in mid-life with similar traits may report less satisfaction because there is a call for life demands that did not formerly exist. In a sense the world in the form of children, finances, jobs, elderly parents, etc. enter the picture. Often running what seems like parallel marathons, partners who are different often have a better time of multi-tasking than partners with similar traits. If one is more extroverted and enjoys standing on the soccer field, the other who would rather not is home handling the chores. On the other hand, if both are conscientious about work and ambitious about advancement, calling a plumber and arranging child care can become cause for resentment and stress. If neither is too organized about finances, then the setting is ripe for blame and anxiety about who should pay the bills.
Consider:
▪ While life is never perfectly captured in research, this study offers couples in mid-life ,or actually at any time that life becomes different and unexpectedly demanding, the possibility of “making meaning” of the stress and strain that makes them doubt why they ever choose each other.
▪ Realizing that you are having difficulty because you are “similar” can actually change the perspective and enhance the power of the “We” in decision making. For example, you agree you both dislike finances, so you decide to get someone to help; you agree that neither of you really wants to make social plans with the other parents, so you work together to make it happen. Now, when one of you steps outside that similar comfort zone to make something happen in your lives — you know that the other really understands the effort!
Long-term married couples with similar traits also report less marital satisfaction than those with opposing traits. Sometimes when the world of demands steps out, partners either expect their partner to fill in or predict boredom and confinement with one person. The lack of satisfaction often reflects an inability to see self, partner, and life a little differently. This is where the novel experience, the risk, and the belief in re-definitions of your relationship can be life-enhancing.
Consider:
I was recently giving a program on marriages at a beautiful hotel when a participant came up during the break to share that he was quite angry — here he was in paradise, and his wife was home. Admitting that they were both “the same” in that they had never left their children and grandchildren for even short vacations, he said the plan was to try coming to this conference — but she had refused. He was wondering how to approach the subject at home. I suggested that if he went home angry, the chances of getting back to paradise soon were slim. On the other hand, he might validate that the rule of their marriage had been to stay home as she had done, but he had taken a risk for both of them — and loved it and kept wishing that she was there. I then suggested he ask her to take a small overnight step — not too far from home, no need for a view, just a step toward paradise.
So perhaps both similar and opposite traits attract and satisfy — but at different times and in different ways.

Self Test

INSTRUCTIONS

Below are four questions, and descriptions of two different lists of personality “preferences.” Both lists have their own strengths and blindspots. BOTH are equally valuable — NEITHER one is better or worse than the other.

Read both sets of descriptions for Question #1 and decide which list — as a whole – describes you better (even if just a little better). Then click the appropriate button. Try to answer as you really are, not how you may wish you were, or have to be at work.

Continue with the other three questions and hit the “Discover Your Type” button for your results.

1. Where is your energy naturally directed?

Extraverts’ energy is directed primarily
outward,
towards people and things outside of themselves.

Introverts’ energy is primarily directed inward,
towards their own thoughts,
perceptions, and
reactions.

Therefore, Extraverts tend to be more naturally active, expressive, social, and interested in many things, whereas

Introverts tend to be more reserved, private, cautious, and interested in fewer interactions, but with greater depth and focus.

Extraverts often:
Have high energy
Talk more than listen
Think out loud
Act, then think
Like to be around people a lot
Prefer a public role
Can sometimes be easily distracted
Prefer to do lots of things at once
Are outgoing & enthusiastic

Introverts often:
Have quiet energy
Listen more than talk
Think quietly inside their heads
Think, then act
Feel comfortable being alone
Prefer to work “behind-the-scenes”
Have good powers of concentration
Prefer to focus on one thing at a time
Are self-contained and reserved

Extravert (E) or Introvert (I)

2. What kind of information do you naturally notice and remember?

Sensors notice the facts, details, and realities of the world around them

Intuitives are more interested in connections and relationships between facts as well as the meaning, or possibilities of the information.

Sensors tend to be practical and literal people, who trust past experience and often have good common sense.

Intuitives tend to be imaginative, theoretical people who trust their hunches and pride themselves on their creativity.

Sensors often:

Focus on details & specifics
Admire practical solutions
Notice details & remember facts
Are pragmatic – see what is
Live in the here-and-now
Trust actual experience
Like to use established skills
Like step-by-step instructions
Work at a steady pace

Intuitives often:

Focus on the big picture & possibilities
Admire creative ideas
Notice anything new or different
Are inventive – see what could be
Think about future implications
Trust their gut instincts
Prefer to learn new skills
Like to figure things out for themselves
Work in bursts of energy

Sensor (S) or Intuitive (N)

3. How do you decide or come to conclusions?

Thinkers make decisions based primarily on objective and impersonal criteria–what makes the most sense and what is logical.

Feelers make decisions based primarily on their personal values and how they feel about the choices.

Thinkers tend to be cool, analytical, and are convinced by logical reasoning.

Feelers tend to be sensitive, empathetic, and are compelled by extenuating circumstances and a constant search for harmony.

Thinkers often:

Make decisions objectively
Appear cool and reserved
Are most convinced by rational arguments
Are honest and direct
Value honesty and fairness
Take few things personally
Are good at seeing flaws
Are motivated by achievement
Argue or debate issues for fun

Feelers often:

Decide based on their values & feelings
Appear warm and friendly
Are most convinced by how they feel
Are diplomatic and tactful
Value harmony and compassion
Take many things personally
Are quick to compliment others
Are motivated by appreciation
Avoid arguments and conflicts

Thinker (T) or Feeler (F)

4. What kind of environment makes you the most comfortable?

Judgers prefer a structured, ordered, and fairly predictable environment, where they can make decisions and have things settled.

Perceivers prefer to experience as much of the world as possible, so they like to keep their options open and are most comfortable adapting.

Judgers tend to be organized and productive

Perceivers tend to be flexible, curious, and nonconforming.

Judgers often:

Like to have things settled
Take responsibilities seriously
Pay attention to time & are usually prompt
Prefer to finish projects
Work first, play later
Seek closure
See the need for most rules
Like to make & stick with plans
Find comfort in schedules

Perceivers often:

Like to keep their options open
Are playful and casual
Are less aware of time and may run late
Prefer to start projects
Play first, work later
May have difficulty making some decisions
Question the need for many rules
Like to keep plans flexible
Want the freedom to be spontaneous

Judger (J) or Perceiver (P)